Sorry, Was That Mean...?

You know whats interesting…the more time I find myself with the lazier I seem to become.  What’s with that?  I can’t imagine I’m the only one with this “problem” so please someone, enlighten me.  This is essentially my backhanded explanation as to why I haven’t updated in a while.  I really need to get better with this.

So let’s get right to it shall we….before I start talking about guys who have or may actually score dates with me I’d like to tell you about this serious pain in the ass I just had no patience for on POF.  Anyone who has ever done the online dating thing knows that there are often a lot of messages which go unanswered.  Some people deal with this better than others and just let it go, knowing its not the first or the last time there won’t be a response.  Some people will bitch and moan to their friends…others may email you again to see if the second time is a charm…but then you have others who email you back to interrogate you on why you didn’t respond.  Do I really need to justify why I don’t want to email you?  Who is this helping here?  Its not going to make you feel better and its only going to make me seem like a bitch.  For example I got this email the other day:

“So. I wrote you an interesting email. I asked you questions. I avoided complimenting you like crazy even though you're stunning. You looked at my profile and deleted the email. 

Any reason? I'm still a human being even though i'm not a 6'3 Abercrom-boi who waxes his chest hair, promise.”

eYeah I know, you don’t even have to say it.  Well, this poor sucker caught me on a bad day because normally I would either ignore this email as well or reply with some sort of sweet and sensitive rejection.  Instead, he received this:

“Ok so we have to do this the awkward way huh...

...the email you wrote me, which you so presumptuously assumed I deleted went a little something like this:

"So where's the best pizza place in NYC? My vote is for Rose's in Penn Station LIRR floor"

Sure you asked A question, one single solitary question...NOT questions as you say...but do you know how many people asked the same exact question? I can't walk down the street in the city without being stopped by a tourist asking the same question...so Bravo, you're as interesting as an anonymous tourist. Frankly I wouldn't exactly define that as "interesting"...and if you do there is one example of why we are probably not compatible. it takes a lot more for me to be interested.

Second, you ask for a reason why I looked at your profile and didn't respond...well, you are a human being but you are not one who I am attracted to. i also don't appreciate being stuck into a cliche of only looking for "Abercrombie" model types, however hot they may be.

And lastly, for a final reason I prefer to date someone of a similar background to mine.

Hopefully this answers your question, validates your humanity and gives you piece of mind that even though I'm "stunning" it’s possible I'm not a bitch and I'm just not interested.”

So there you have it…that is the bitchiest I think I’ve ever…well, no wait, there has definitely been worse…so it’s the bitchiest I’ve been in a long time.  I don’t really feel bad about it…but feel like I should.  He emailed me a few times after that saying how he’s ugly, he knows he can’t change that but what should he do…blah blah.  Frankly, it was borderline pathetic but also didn’t seem possible that someone 100% whole heartedly would be blurting this out to a perfect stranger who just in no uncertain terms turned you down.  Anything is possible but deep down I hope this wasn’t serious…if it were, I’d have to speculate if low self esteem plays a part in his lack of success.

Anyhow, I was going to lump this all together with a few other things but in the interest of no making an extremely lengthy post I’m going to separate them.  Stay tuned!!

Satisfy Your Curiosity...

So lets see...last I left you off was with the tale of the Producer.  Currently, he's off in Ireland...leaving me here in a state of constant jealousy...and yes, he did ask me to go but let's be serious...flights were over a thousand dollars, I haven't seen him in at least a year and I just got back from London...as sad as it makes me it just wasn't going to happen.  Even still I'll update you on what is currently an uneventful situation.  It seems that the Producer unleashed all the "I miss you" "you've never left my mind" nonsense right before he knew he was going to be traveling for ooohhh about a MONTH.  A motherfucking month! 

Now, the way that’s written makes it all seem way more dramatic then it is...but I mean really...don't go saying shit like that and then jet set across the ocean to another country for 3 weeks and then some other random state like Vermont after that.  IF in fact you feel the way you say then hold it in and wait till you home and can do something about it.  Frankly, I feel like timing and momentum is everything between two people.  You can start something and then let it fizzle and expect that a few weeks later it's all good.  It's not.

Same goes with Wolf.  He had spontaneously invited me over on a Thursday night, however, I was already with friends blowing away some brain cells while simultaneously boosting our perceptions of our own lives watching the Jersey Shore hence I wasn't available.  We tried to meet up Saturday night but he never came through and nothing since.  Its dead...whatever it was.  In my opinion anyway.  We had some momentum...there was a spark, it was alive..and its died.  We killed it...by letting too much time pass.  I see him at our game on Thursday and I have a flurry of mixed emotions about it.

And now..Sunday Funday.  God I LOVE football season.  Beer, wings, football = Bliss.  In the past I was typically with Dipshit during football season...which was fun since we were both HUGE NYG fans.  Even if it was just the two of us watching a game it was a lot of fun.  Last year was my first single football season since graduating college and it was spent watching the games with my friends always switching houses.  This year...still single (yippee???) and I'm doing Sunday Funday like never before.  I had no idea what I've been missing all this time.  Being out at the bars during the games not only is a hot guy jackpot but a seriously good time.  The energy, the cheering, the dozen TVs showing every game...its heaven.  And dangerous...in all the best ways.  Twice now I've been out till almost 11pm...once I did a mini bar crawl (by accident) through Hoboken.  Every time I've met someone.  The first time it was this really cute guy who I may have made out with in the street before he took my number and I walked back to my friends apt with a big smile on my face.  The second time it was a friend (read: wingman) of a guy hitting on KK.  I even heard the guy lean over to the wingman and say "your welcome"...as in he's welcome for getting to meet me...sooo weird.  This guy was really cute, however, he's a bit short for my taste.  I tend to be attracted to taller, bigger men (not like heavy guys but more of the broad shoulder, guys guy type)...this guy was maybe 5'8" but again great, casual, fun personality and definitely cute...so yeah, I gave him my number.  We texted and it all fell apart when he called me shit tanked at 4:30 AM!!! On Friday.  Fail dude.

Well, there is your update for now.  I have a nasty cold I'm trying to kick which basically put the brakes on all my adventures from this past weekend.  I was lucky I made it between my bed and my couch.  I may have been sprawled out in the hallway for a bit crying for someone to fix me.  The GIANTS certainly helped perk me up with their big WIN on Sunday as did the 5 wings I ate.  Please wings are like antibiotics...in a perfect world.  

Do U Miss Me? - Part 2

For those who missed it or need a refresher...read Part 1 of "Do U Miss Me?" - HERE

I was recently looking up locations for a particular store and one of the cities listed rang a bell and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why.  When I was entering the city into my gps it pulled up an address in the same city which I had previously saved…it was for the Producer…ah-ha…that explains why it was so familiar.

Yesterday morning I’m sitting at work…bored (which seems to be the norm recently…hence me spending more time sending out my resume then I do being productive for the job I actually have)…and the Producer was on my mind.  I thought I had deleted his number but still I went through my contacts and there he was.  So in a vague stream of consciousness, I texted him.  I said “So I was around your city recently and I couldn’t figure out why it seemed so familiar…then I remembered ;)  hope all it well mister!!”  I fully expected a response of “who is this?” or something cold and disinterested or nothing at all…I received “And you didn’t call me? How rude!  What’s weird is I caught myself thinking of u a few days ago”

Oh? Wow.

Blah blah typical how are you banter commences then…

“Boyfriend?”

He wastes no time really.

Reply: “Not presently”  I had considered trying to fuck with him but decided it really wasn’t worth it.  I had no idea where this conversation was heading.

Producer: “That’s a shame.  Such a smile should always have someone admiring it. How’s the job”

At this point I’m just so surprised and confused by these little flirty compliments…what is he trying to charm me or something?  And yeah, real smooth asking about my job after saying something like that.

I respond and more banter ensues.  He eventually proceeds to tell me he still has my name in his phone as Seal which one drunken night at a bar he decided to start calling me…I suppose its  been that way ever since.  He says its because I have “really cute paw hands”…don’t ask.

I turn the tables and ask about him.  I refuse to ask the specific question of whether or not he has a girlfriend…I don’t need him to think that’s where I’m going with all this.  I’ll let him take the lead on this conversation's direction.

He tells me everything is good…work is good and he’s been traveling to and from Ireland a lot (soo jealous!!!)  his roomies moved out (he owns his own home and a couple of friends were living there with him) and ultimately not much has changed.  I told him I had just been in Ireland in November and was so jealous of his travels there.  To which he responds:

“What part of Ireland?  I’ll be leaving next Sunday and staying in Belfast for two weeks…you should come and visit me.”

Me: “Luck you to spend 2wks there!!”  (conveniently ignoring that invitation!)

Producer: “Fly out and spend a weekend with me.”  (persistent aren’t we?)

Now I decide to cave and mention the important question:

Me: “First I just got back from London so I really shouldn’t be spending more $$ for a flight…Second don’t you have a gf? (THIS is the important question) Third…despite all that it does sound super fun lol”  (I mean lets be serious…that would be quite a story and most likely would be fabulous fun)

Producer: “I like your third reason, your wrong on the second one and for your first reason…blah, you will always make more money”  (touché)

Producer: “We could pick up where we left off just this time its in Ireland.”

Me: “LoL that sounds like it should be some MTV reality show…where exactly did we leave off?”  (a question I really wanted the answer to)

Producer: “I’m not seeing a problem here”  (completely ignoring my question is terribly frustrating)

Me: “Perhaps a different location…maybe one not clear across the Atlantic.”

I then get accused for not having a sense of adventure which I took to heart bc I absolutely do and I made sure he knew it.  I'm sorry but I take an accusation like that to heart and had to defend myself.  I found out he’s been going over there to interview a cast and crew for a new show HBO will be producing…man, this just sounds cooler by the minute.  Sigh.

He then sends me over a picture to show me a view of where he was during his last visiting.  It was breathtaking.

Me: “That’s absolutely gorgeous…I miss those views.”

Producer: “U miss me?”

I was just leaving work when I saw that and I couldn’t catch my breath for a minute.  WHAT??  My jaw was on the floor.  Now that was unexpected and I didn’t know how to answer.  That’s a seriously bold question to ask and I couldn’t figure out fast enough what to do.  My mind was racing, my heart was too…I felt almost panicked.  I don’t know…did I miss him? 

Clearly, I haven't forgot about him…but does that mean you miss someone?  I don’t know.  I always think so fondly about our time together…but again does that mean I “miss” him?  But then after a few unanswered phone calls to my bestest girls I tried to take a deep breath and think about him.  and just him.  Really…what did I feel.

To try and avoid the question while I continued to think I eventually responded “Good question ;)”   so lame!

Then: “U miss me?”  Just to try and turn the table.

Producer: “Do you want me to miss you?”  (he’s always been good at avoiding the question…clearly that hasn’t changed)

Me: “What girl wouldn’t want to be missed?”

Producer: “Very true, but you didn’t answer my question.”

Me: “You didn’t answer mine either.”

Producer: “I asked first missy.”  (fair enough…he did..but still!!! I don’t want to answer first!)

I gave it one last thought and said:

“Its funny, I hadn’t really thought about it so your question kind of caught me off guard…”

Producer: “I’ll take that as a polite no”

Me: “But yeah, on some level.  So its not a no.”

Producer: “LOL well that put a smile on my face.”

Me: “So now you…miss me?”

Ready for this….because I certainly wasn’t….

Producer: “You have somehow managed to never leave my mind.”

I almost had tears in my eyes and literally had to sit down.  Granted…I was on my 10^th+ game of flip cup so that probably had something to do with my reaction but while I pulled myself together I managed to write

“Really?  So why haven’t you ever called”  (Bam!!)

Producer: “I’ve been in and out of relationships.  I’m not the one to cheat or lead someone else on.”

Me: “Fair enough, I can respect that.  So now…”

Producer: “You tell me.”  (No….YOU tell ME…since you kind of started this.)

I told him it depends on what he’s looking for…since 1. Last we had spoke about “us” he had told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious and essentially just wanted a FWB thing 2. If that’s what he’s looking for this is being squashed immediately because I’m not built for or interested in that kind of thing

Silence.  Till the next day (yesterday) when I get: “sorry love, I passed out last night and have been in meetings all day”  LOVE?!?!  Oh no no…I’m not your love and that’s not cute…we are not at the pet name thing at this moment and especially not names like that.  I know, I know people say that casually but it just didn’t feel right here.  I didn’t say anything besides no worries.

So at this point I’m still not sure what he was looking for by having that conversation…not sure if I should ask or just wait for him to start it up again.  it’s a bit strange how the conversation had so much momentum and now I’m sitting here just baffled.  A part of me says, let him be the man and come after me with any additional things he wishes to discuss…but naturally the part of me that hates being curious and left with unsettled questions is dying to make him speak.  Truth is I’m probably going to do my best to follow the former and just be patient.  If he goes MIA or just doesn’t bring it up again then I know he was full of shit…I could be wrong but something tells me that won’t be the case but I know in the long run no matter the outcome, it will be much more satisfying if I don’t initiate it.

Now I plan to stuff my stomach as much as possibly this weekend with tons of incredible Greek food at my church festival this weekend…yes, I plan on going all three days don’t judge me…and wait.  I fucking hate waiting.     

Do U Miss Me? - Part 1

I owe you all a post on London…I know.  I’m sorry…sort of.  I mean I do feel guilty but simultaneously realize that time hasn’t been on my side since I’ve been back so its not completely my fault.  Right?

Anyway, you’re probably thinking while I’m sitting here typing away with this silly bullshit it would be the perfect opportunity to share the details of my getaway.  And you’d be right.  It is!  Buuutttt…. its not.   Huh? 

You see, I NEED to fill you in on something and I’m just so amped up about it I’m putting things out of chronological order…I know I’m such a rebel…that’s just how I roll.  Deal.

So, heres the scoop…there is a guy from the past…about 2 years ago almost exactly to be honest.  I’ve never talked about him here before because, well there was never a reason to.  He’s the past.  And the whole situation got very clouded by Dipshit that while I’ve been in touch with him here and there over the past 2 years it was all nonsense and not worthy of ever thinking about or mentioning here.

Here is the history…back when I was a paying member of Match I one day got a very entertaining email from a guy.  I checked out his profile and while the content seemed fabulous I wasn’t 100% sure about my physical attraction to him.  He seemed cute but it was one of those situations where either he is legit cute or those were the best pictures taken of him…ever.  So in a leap of faith and mainly because I liked his email so much I decided to respond.  For those who are curious, the message, while I don’t remember exactly what he wrote to start it off, closed with him saying something along the line of “ok now we’re going to play a game…grab your ipod, hit shuffle and tell me the first three songs that come up.”  A part of me was terribly nervous that he may judge me for having things like the soundtrack to WICKED or Britney Spears on my ipod or that he had some weird way of knowing what kind of person I am based on the type of music I listen to…would these three songs be a deal breaker?  There really was no way to tell so I did as he asked and never felt so nervous hitting send on a message before (or probably since).  I later found out that he had absolutely no care in the world what the songs were and it was just his way of being fun and different…clearly he succeeded.

Well, anyway we chatted on the phone…set up a first date and I can still remember him walking across the street to meet me for the first time.  I got sudden butterflies...it was weird.  He was definitely legit cute.  But not in the traditional way…there was just something about him.  anyway, we got drinks, then went for dinner…he wanted to share apps and dessert, we ordered our own entrees…I don’t like to eat in front of people I don’t know but there was something so comfortable about being with him that it wasn’t bothering me as much.  Even the bill paying wasn't weird...I offered to pay naturally but he was just so smooth and confident about how he went about taking the check and handling it, every time (the entire time we dated actually)...I wish every guy was like this.  We didn’t want the night to end yet so we walked from dinner to a wine bar.  Along the way we were chatting about the Ballroom/Latin dance lessons I was taking and suddenly he grabbed my hand, twirled me around then swooped me into a graceful dip…looked me in the eyes and gave me the sweetest, toe tingling kiss.  When we finally left the wine bar he was in a great rush to catch the last train out of the city and I needed to head to the bus.  He insisted I couldn’t go alone so he put us both in a cab and made the driver first drop me off at the stop.  The whole while we couldn’t keep our lips apart…he did, however, manage to ask when he could see me again. 

We managed to squeeze in two dates before I left for a long weekend in Vegas.  We chatted while I was away and I truly couldn’t wait to see him when I got back.  Things steadily grew between us…we were getting together regularly…I met his friends…he met some of mine…we had even agreed to wait to sleep together until we were more serious.  And we did.  And when we did…it was awesome and worth the wait.

When December rolled around I anticipated not seeing him much as he warned me from when we first met that December is always a really insane month for him at work…he’s a Producer for HBO. (The Producer is what my friends refer to him as)  As a side note, getting to sit in an editing room with him and his assistant and watch them piece together footage for previews of upcoming shows was actually pretty amazing.  At the time his biggest project was for the show called The Pacific…if anyone saw any of the previews on HBO for that show…he did that.  Pretty fucking cool.

Anyway, December…that brought a huge disappointment for me.  I went from talking to the Producer everyday to nothing at all.  My excitement was deflated…I didn’t know what happened.  What changed so suddenly?  Simultaneously while I’m dealing with this confusion I was being begged and pleaded with from Dipshit to give him another chance because I’m his "soul mate" and all that other garbage he threw out at me.  It was an extremely emotional and confusing time. 

Well, the holidays came and went and when I thought I’d be giving the Producer the awesome Jets mug I bought him I didn’t even get a Merry Christmas text.  New Years Eve when I thought I’d been kissing him at midnight I found myself being kissed by Dipshit…how did this happen??

A few days later is my birthday (the 3^rd for anyone who wants to put it on the calendar so you remember to get me a gift) and suddenly after rocking out hardcore with my sister and some friends in Long Beach I get a text…”I’m so very sorry…for everything.”  The wind was knocked out of me.  Did he remember it was my birthday??  Long story (as per usual) short…I ended up locking myself in our friends bathroom while everyone was drunkenly passed out had an emotional, teary eyed (for both of us) conversation with the Producer about what happened. 

Essentially he said he freaked out because things were getting more serious and instead of talking about it he kind of “ran”.  He said he felt so guiltly because I didn’t deserve that…damn fucking right…and he just didn’t know what to say.  We ended the call making it seem like we were going to get together again and kind of see what we wanted to do.  Being my resolve was weakening and I was falling stupidly back into things with Dipshit, nothing ever really came of it but naturally I didn’t forget him.  He made me so happy and made me feel so wanted and cared for in ways Dipshit never did…and its not like he did anything all that extraordinary.  It was just so different.  I was genuinely happy…I smile now just thinking about it.

We hung out months later in the spring right before I stopped talking to Dipshit all together.  We had dinner…hooked up…and left it at that.

I remember reaching out to him randomly another time and I forget why exactly and eventually I mentioned that we should grab drinks and catch up (and I meant it completely innocently and platonically)…his response…”I think my girlfriend would be uber sexual jealous if I went out for drinks with you.”  Forget the fact that I don’t even know what that was supposed to mean I just said sorry and something about it being a shame he couldn't have girls as friends and left it at that.  He had a girlfriend and wasn’t interested in seeing me, even as a friend.

I hadn’t heard from him since.  Until recently…. (more to come)

Shame on you NYC...

For being more gross and rainy then London!!!  I mean really...London is famous for its fog, rain and crap weather...same as Ireland...so imagine my surprise when I'm across the pond and the weather for the most part (while cold) was lovely...and I return home to...shit.

Such is life I suppose...what's up America.

Anyway...I'm totally, completely and head over heels in love with London.  I didn't want to leave.  I want to go rent a flat and stay for a bit.

I can't wait to tell you all about the trip but with my outlook full of unread emails I have to attend to, all your new posts I want to catch up on oh and the fact that it took me 2.5hrs to get into work making me 1.5hrs late (oops) and then having to unwrap my desk..yes, you read that right, my coworkers decided to completely wrap my desk in plastic wrap and individually wrap my accessories like my mouse, notebook, files, etc...its been quite a morning!

small example of the hilarity that was my desk

I'll hopefully be able to write it all up tomorrow since it is Friday and I don't plan on working very hard...my head is still across the pond...

Fish, Chips & Bloody Good Times

Well Good Morning everyone!!!  While I still have some State side news I need to fill you in on I'm in a bit of a time crunch at the moment and won't have time to write.


I wanted to get a quick post out to let you know I'm going to be crossing the pond this evening and landing in LONDON in the AM!!!!


I have wanted to go to London for as long as I can remember...Greece is at the tippy top of my list and I'll hopefully be going with my ENTIRE family next year...but for now I'm going to get to cross London off the list.


I'm going with my sister and a few friends...all except for my little sis are single...this means we're going to have a really good time =)


Any advice, tips or inside info on places where I could meet a Prince would be greatly appreciated!!!


I promise to return with amazing, juicy stories for you all...miss you till then!!!  (unless I get access to a computer over there...i opted not to lug along my laptop...and can shoot out a quick post or two)

Don't Drink & Drive...

Time to play a little catch up & update.  As per my last post I did see both Wolf & Grant last week…in fact I saw them both 3 times last week.  I’ve basically settled into the thinking that Grants little display of drunken affection was just that…he was drunk and people do stupid shit when they are wasted.  I’m totally ok and relieved with this.  He is a really great guy but I don’t see him as more than a friend so better to let the drunk texts/calls lie.  Wolf however is another story.  Apparently everyone around us seems to think there is something going on…and on some level there is…its that flirty, make out, touchy feely level…nothing extremely significant…we have chemistry and people pick up on that, no surprise. 

We went out Tuesday night for a friend’s birthday…it was fun, everyone was having a great time.  Being that I had to drive to the beer garden (we seem to be spending a lot of time there lately) I was offered up to drive Wolf, Grant and another friend of ours home since I would be passing by their place anyway.  Well, while in the backseat of my car Wolf and Grant start going through everything back there.  The two of them seem to have an obsession of rummaging through peoples things…typically this would be obnoxious and borderline rude but they are funny about doing it so its hard to get too mad…until they went into a bag of clothes I had and pulled out my bra.  What the FUCK guys!!!  I was kind of mortified but tried to play it cool as I grabbed the bra and scolded them like the children they were acting like.  Fucking men. 

When I pull up to their building everyone gets out except for Wolf.  He was asking me to park and come in and hang out…he said we were having too much fun for me to go home yet.  Then gave me the puppy dog eyes.  Not fair.  I resisted and told him I’d see him tomorrow for his birthday so he should just be patient.  He got out and insisted I get out of the car to give him a hug goodbye.  Apparently rolling down my window and waving wasn’t satisfactory enough for him.  So I hop out of the car and just as I’m stretching my tiny arms up to reach his sky high shoulders he grabs my waist and picks me up which causes a wave of giggles to come out (something about a guy picking me up makes me all kinds of tickled) and ultimately causes what I think was him potentially going in for a kiss to be an epic fail.  And that’s totally fine since our friends were watching and that would be kind of awkward anyway.

Fast forward to the next day.  Its Wolfs birthday and our last kickball game of the season.  I end up at his apartment to cut up our shirts and have a few pre-game drinks.  As I’m cutting up his shirt he starts rubbing my legs coming on how smooth they are (thank god I shaved!!!)…oh Wolf.  We all eventually leave, head to the field, play some kickball, lose the game and proceed to the bar.  We always win at the bar.  The night ended up being epic.  We were all having so much fun and I was proud of myself for not being so stand-offish to Wolf while still getting some flirt time in with a couple of other guys (one of them actually asked me out…I need to keep my options open!!)

At the end of the night I was ready to head home and Wolf seemed to be packing up as well so I asked him (without any ulterior motives!!!) if he would mind walking me to my car…better not to be walking alone by myself at night.  Its what my mom would have wanted.  So naturally him walking me turned into me dropping him off.  Which turned into one of, if not the, hottest make-outs in a car I have ever had.  Ever.  We were sitting there talking then he starts messing with the radio, I ended up leaning in to see what he was doing…our faces were too close to resist and BAM…fireworks from there.  At one point I was nearly straddling him in the passenger seat…we were twisting and turning every which way, I can’t even really tell you how it worked.  It kind of reminded me of Jack and Rose in the back of that car on the Titanic…minus the backseat, the sex, the nakedness, the boat and the people chasing after us…so maybe it was nothing like that at all but the intensity they felt was probably the same.   Yeah, whatever…all I knew was that it was hot and cant-catch-your-breath-fun.  I’ve never truly felt the “thrill of being caught” before (I used to beg my ex to have sex on the sun deck of my old building but he never would…lame!!) but this little tryst in my car finally gave me a sense of what that’s like.  Cars would pass by and there were people walking on the street…it was all very exciting. 

At one point I sat back and realized how much time had passed by and just how exhausted I was…despite how much fun I was having.  I reluctantly told Wolf I need to get home and he enthusiastically countered with “or you can just park”.  Ah, the inevitable sleep over invitation.  After about 15minutes of debate I decided that being I had been drinking and based on that alone probably shouldn’t be driving…coupled with how exhausted  I was (it was nearly 2am) that for my own personal safety as well as that of the other innocent people on the road I really shouldn’t be driving anywhere.  I told Wolf that I would stay but we are going right to sleep and nothing is happening…’I will not be sleeping with you’ is exactly what I told him and ‘don’t think this is going to become a habit’.

this is almost exactly how we slept all night...

We were good…I swear.  And while it was responsible I’m not pleased I ended up staying over.  Well the snuggling was wonderful (I’m such a sucker for that) and the part of me that misses waking up next to someone was temporarily appreciative for the company.  “Someone” forgot to set his alarm which made me wake up late and ultimately late to work…he seemed to find it funny…jackass.  As I rushed out of there and got to my car I went to reach for my phone…motherfuckingsonofabitch…I forgot my damn phone in his room.  You MUST be joking me.  I was nearly on the verge of tears thinking how its going to look for me to go back there and wake him up.  I considered just leaving it there but decided that would be worse.  I am 100% going to look like that girl who managed to “forget” something at the guys place.  Fuck!!!  Needless to say, after he answered the door I sheepishly darted to his room grabbed my phone, apologized for waking him up and bolted.  He proceeded to tease me about it all weekend.  Stay tuned for the gossip about Wolf & Grants keg party!!

Two Guys & A Girl...

I got a new FWB (aka follower for my blog) and in honor of you I decided not to be a lazy waste of space today and crank out this post just for you!!  ;)

Its always exciting when a new bar finally opens…and it’s a huge relief when you go and see that the wait was totally worth it because it’s awesome.  This happened last weekend when a few of my new kickball friends and I headed over to the new beer garden that opened in Hoboken.  They should totally pay me for plugging their bar or at least give me a free liter of beer (or two) but truth is the Pilsener Haus & Biergarten is pretty awesome and a great place for a date or a day/night out with friends.  Oh and get the muscles…they are incredible.

I got there earlier with a few others and anticipated the arrival of Wolf (who is the Guy from my last post).  I was actually looking forward to seeing him not only because I looked great but because I had been laying the ground work all week on keeping in touch with him and was hoping it may pay off when we’re in person.

I can honestly say the whole time we were there together there was subtle flirting and lots of eye contact.  Eventually he and his roommate were going to leave to head to another bar and both were begging me to join them, however, my sister and some of her friends had just got to the beer garden so I promised I’d keep in touch with them and would see about meeting up later.

No less than 5 minutes after he left Wolf was texting me about coming to meet him.  I’d keep replying snarky little things like “what do you miss me that much already?”  to which he’d confirm that yes, he kinda did.  Cute. 

Well eventually I started getting texts from his roomie asking where I was.  Then just to throw a nice twist to things he was asking if I wanted to hang out with him at his apartment.  WHAT???  I knew exactly what he was thinking but decided to play dumb anyway.  This was just too weird.  I now had two roommates both texting me to come hang out with them as individuals, not a good.  Dear God. 

 Eventually texts turned to calls.  Grant, the roomie, was doing the I’m-completely-wasted-so-I’m-going-to-call-every-minute-till-you-answer bit.  I was hoping I could just ignore the calls long enough for him to wear himself out.  Wolf and I were still just texting and eventually he asked me to call him.  I had literally just got in my car so I figured why not.  I could tell he was definitely a bit buzzed as he was insisting that I drank too much to drive home and its not safe.  Clearly his solution was that I needed to come stay over with him.  When I insisted in return that I only had two beers the entire day/night and was more then fine to drive he changed tactics.  It now turned into him really wanting to see me, begging to see me in fact…in a way hearing him on the phone pleading “PYT please come, please I really want to see you” was actually kind of cute.  Almost enough to change my mind.  He was pulling out all the stops…saying that it’d be such a perfect time because I could sleep over and then we could spend all day Sunday hanging out and watching movies since it was going to be pouring rain and the perfect snuggling day.  AAAHHH damn it Wolf, snuggling is my weakness. 

I will full admit that had my sister not been out and driving right behind me in her car there is a really good chance I would have given in after the rainy day snuggle proposal.  I will also admit that I told him if he really wants to hang out with me and have sleepovers like that he should actually make a plan with me, ask me out and not call me at 2am and think its gonna work.  He said he knows but could I please still come over anyway.  Jesus….men!!!

 The next day Grant had texted me trying to piece together his night and was mortified about how much he texted me.  I assured him it wasn’t a big deal and made no mention his roomie was guilty of the same thing.  I wonder if either of them know what the other was up to…could you even imagine what it would have been like if I had given in to either one of them...talk about awkward…yet, somehow hilarious.  Oh and apparently they do Sunday dinner every Sunday and Grant extended an invite to me…I’m going to have to take because I love when men can cook.  I offered to make dessert…no way either one of them won’t be in love with me after that.   

Anyway, I’m going to see Wolf tomorrow, not sure about Grant, but frankly, I’m feeling over the whole thing.  Funny how after a bit you just get bored with it all and now as fate would have it I’ll just bet he shows interest.  Day late, dollar short.  Stay tuned love bugs.  

Nice Guys are Assholes Too...

So here is a story for you:

Girl joins a kickball team.  Girl meets super cute guy on kickball team.  Guy and girl make out one night…sparks fly.  Guy wants girl to stay …instead Girl flees home with friend.  Balls are kicked, cups are flipped and flirting ensues.  Girl invites guy to come meet her at a bar for drinks with a few friends.  Guy obliges and shows up.  Guy flirts heavily with girl and expresses jealousy that other boys may have flirted with her.  Guy leaves and calls/texts girl to invite her to his place.  Girl considers, friends encourage and girl ends up spooning/making out with guy.  Girl leaves for work in the AM.

Two weeks pass and guy and girl are reunited on the field.  Guy runs over to girl excited to see her.  Girl is secretly excited to see guy too.  Flirting commences.  More of the same takes place at the bar until guy is suddenly entrapped in conversation with a Gumby Girl (aka a girl that is so tall she reminds me of Gumby). 

Guy seems to forget original girl is still there, staring right at him.  Guy has blinders on and is completely focused on Gumby.  Guy and Gumby may have left together??  Girl is saddened.

See, thing is perhaps I didn’t play my game right and as one of my teammates pointed out, should have been more aggressive so to say at the bar.  Like as in not keeping my distance so as to not seem too interested and actually going over to him every time he was asking me to instead of ignoring it and playing coy.  Yet knowing there is a chance I made myself seem completely disinterested I still can’t shake the feeling that him flirting with that girl right in front of me without a care was kind of fucked up.  He had shown interest in me and then it was like I didn’t exist…although truth be told I did exist at first and he kept saying “you should stand over here” and motioned to his side…and then I didn’t.  What’s wrong with me exactly?  Idiot.

Does anyone else do this?  You’re afraid to seem too interested or be that girl that goes after a guy when perhaps you should be hanging with your friends and ultimately you screw yourself out of a chance with him?  Where is the line exactly?  When do you know when you should push the envelope and when is it ok to break from your friends to pursue a cutie?  This is a consistent issue for me and I need help tackling it.  I’m constantly too afraid of being too flirty that I think I shoot myself in the foot with guys I actually like and end up looking disinterested.  Also I think I’m afraid if I’m too flirty I look desperate and a guy will give me attention just because he thinks I’m an easy target for the night.  I want a guy to want to date me and get to know me and I’m starting to think I have no fucking clue how to make that happen.  I’m caught in some limbo of fearing too much of one thing that I end up doing nothing and ultimately getting nowhere…other then aggravated.

Now that I’ve recognized that I’m constantly committing dating suicide how do I stop it?  I’m not sure which step recognizing and admitting you have a problem is but I’ve done it…now what???  I fear if I don’t quit this shit right now I’m going to be single forever and that thought just made me throw up in my mouth a little.

**Disclaimer:  I in no way think this guy owes me anything or that just because we made out and had a sleep over he should be banned from flirting with anyone else…that’s just completely ridiculous…I guess I just feel his actions show no consideration or respect for me whatsoever…and no, I would not like a guy like that, however, if there was something I should/could have done to potentially change the outcome speak up!**

Knocked Up?

I haven’t done this in a while…this whole blog thing.  But don’t think a day has gone by where I haven’t thought about it…that I haven’t talked about it…and I haven’t started, stopped, deleted, backspaced and did over the very post I’m attempting to write now.  It’s been surprisingly difficult not being around and I’m sad I haven’t been able to pull it together to write in…forever. 

I had been trying to figure out what to write, how to say what it is I want to say.  I’ve thought about making a video…perhaps my feelings would come across better through my overly expressive face and inflection in my voice…but would anyone like it?  You tell me.  I’ve tried to think about what words I could use to express what I was thinking except so many were racing through it was hard to pin them down.  So I took some time…some time to just process and deal.  I honestly didn’t need as much time as its been since I’ve last posted but I have had a shit ton of things going on (very good things) which have been occupying every spare second of free time I’ve had to the point where I just legitimately did not have a moment to do anything else.  It’s almost as if I’ve been full time engineer/full time party planner/full time gym rat-zumba instructor. 

So, because I don’t give a shit I’m not going to be all dramatic about this for you…guess what…my dipshit ex is engaged.  Yes you read that right.  No I’m not shaking and crying as I write this.  In fact I’m giggling.  From the second I found out, aside from my mind just being boggled, I’ve just laughed.  This is the most fucking ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.  And you know what’s funny…is back when I found out (against my will) that he was dating this girl I kept saying, watch and see he marries her…just a weird sixth sense.  It’s really strange how that happens sometimes.

Within a couple of months of us breaking up and ceasing communication he met this girl and started dating her which was a huge slap in the face, she is the first and only girls he’s dated since me.  And now in under a year of our demise and the start of his new relationship he’s engaged.  They haven’t even spent four seasons together!  Listen, it’s his life and what he does from the day we stopped speaking until the day either of us dies has absolutely no effect or bearing on my life whatsoever.  I never wanted to know this information and it was told to me against my will.  I was livid more so about that then the engagement to be honest with you, but that’s another story for another time. 

I’m over him…so very over him.  I never once asked why me, felt jealous or a longing to be in her shoes.  That doesn’t stop me from thinking this is the most ridiculous, absurd thing I’ve ever heard.  I can’t understand what the rush is, nor do I need to.  She’s a baby…somewhere around 23 years old and he’s my age…so why the need to jump into this so fast, what’s the rush…why do two people who are so young need to be engaged in less than 9mths of dating…perhaps she’s pregnant…which I must say would only make this all that much more amazing.  And please don’t think that on some very deep, personal and real level I’m not hurting…I am.  While I’ve never nor will I ever say that should have been me that doesn’t mean I’m numb.

He is presumably happy…though without speaking to him directly or someone who still knows him now there is no way to know that for sure and does it really even matter? To be honest with you that is the only thing I’m sad about.  I don’t wish him harm, sickness or anything of the sort but I most certainly do not wish him well, I don’t think he deserves happiness.  He hurt me so deeply, so frequently and without remorse that deep in my heart and soul I don’t believe someone so vicious should be experience so much good.  He proved time and again that there was no love and frankly no respect for me on any level since he selfishly kept testing my trust.  I’m left with scars and he’s moved on to someone else. 

I’m healed from the pain of him personally but I still find it hard to trust someone.  I know the day will come when I can and frankly I haven’t really found a guy yet that I’ve really needed to worry about such a thing with.  I will say that there are times when I’m thinking about the future and finding someone new and how I’m afraid of the idea of getting too close because I’ve been conditioned to believe I’d have to let go.  Even looking at my friends relationships, I am constantly wondering, how do they keep staying together?  When is it going to end?  Not because I want it to but simply because I know nothing else.  The most significant relationship I’ve had thus far was like an atomic bomb which exploded with more frequency and fierceness as time went on.  Each time he’d break up with me it was with seemingly less remorse and more just a rehearsed, glazed over look on his face that said he knew he should feel sorry but probably doesn’t (the last time he didn’t even have the balls to face me…the coward called me on the phone).  And every time he returned trying to get me back it was with more conviction and certainty that I was the one, his soul mate and he could never live without me.  I was dating both Jekyll and Hyde  but never had the choice of which one got to stick around.  He called the shots.

He was the one I always wanted.  I didn’t even recognize him  when I saw him for the first time since junior high in our friends backyard…but I had one of those “that’s the man I’m going to marry moments”  And from that point on he was what I always wished for…every candle I blew out, every star I saw, penny I threw, 11:11 that passed by…you name it, if I could wish on it I would..and I wished that we would be together.  For so long I wished and I got little tastes of it when we would flirt and make out on breaks during college and he would get jealous if I’d flirt with anyone else.  When we finally got serious I felt all my wishes came true.  When we broke up I was back to wishing…wishing he’d realize he made a mistake…and he would come back.  This last time the wishing stopped.  If anything, I was wishing he would disappear from my memory.  I wanted him erased because remembering was too hard and painful.  I wished it all never happened.  I hate to say this since people try so hard to “live life without regrets” but it’s really an impossible thing I feel.  I tried so hard to walk away from the relationship without regrets and I thought that by giving him every chance and opportunity he asked/begged for was the way to do that.  I look back now and realize that was stupid.  I wanted love so badly, I wanted him so badly, I wanted his love more then I wanted my own true happiness.  I walked away without either.

A year later all the pieces of me that I let go or stifled just to try and be with him have returned full force, I feel more myself then I think I had the entire time I was with him.  That speaks volumes.  I hate that I wasted so much time on him especially since any lessons I may have learned from all this should have been learned after the first time he broke up with me.  I have always seen the world with a child-like wonder…I’m not immature…but I always want to believe in good, maybe even a little sparkle and magic too if you will ;)  My Mom has always said I have a whimsical way about me and she’s right.  I love to look at everything and everyone and see the fun, the joy and the beauty in it.  I want to believe in good and that people would want to protect and love me the way I would them.  I learned the hard way that’s not the case.  I still feel the same I always have and the part of me that wants so badly to feel even an ounce of the love that I hope he felt from me still exists…I’m just a little more cautious now and that’s not a bad thing.

So onward we go and to the man I have yet to meet…I truly look forward to the day we find each other.

To the rest of you…thank you for sticking around during my uber long hiatus.  That truly means the world to me.  Now that I have this post out of the way we can continue our regularly scheduled programming of me updating you on all the craziness that has been occurring.  And lucky for you there is so much to catch you up on!!!  

Life...Its a Doozie

I just wanted to check in and say I was hit with some rather fucked up news recently and I'm trying to wrap my head around it and gather my thoughts...I'm going to post this week and probably should have just written like a mad girl the moment I heard...and while I thought about it I just didn't want to open my computer.


Keep an eye out...I will get a few posts up this week.


xoxo

Forget You!!!

In an attempt to stop being so "careful" and so worried about what others may think I've been trying to be a little more daring, more open, more what the fuck let's do it with my life.  Yes, it sounds careless and perhaps on some level it is.  But taking care hasn't left me feeling anymore empowered or excited about being single then being a little more bold would, in fact I'd feel its safe to say I have more regrets about not doing things then doing them, so switching things up seemed like a great plan.  After all I had a great week getting to know the Marine because of it!

So, when Friday came and the Rival (who I've been texting with sporadically since our first date) asked me to get a couple of girlfriends and join him and his friends for Beer Olympics..I gave it a quick thought and said sure!  I gathered up two of my best single girls and we made our way to the Upper East Side backyard.

When we finally arrived "fashionably" an hour late...not purposely...the party was in full swing.  The Rival enthusiastically greeted my friends and I and got us acquainted and set up with everything that was going on.  My plan for the afternoon was to just have fun.  I figured that when the Rival wanted to/had the time he would come over and hang with me but the fact was he was with his friends, I had only met him once - a month ago, and this was a competition (beer olympics)...so my expectations weren't high for us interacting.

As it happened we spent a little time together and most of our talking was done across a Beirut table while our teams played one another.  I constantly caught him staring at me which was flattering and also nerve-wracking since I kept praying I wasn't doing something retarded.

The party was going really well and everyone was having a totally blast.  It was really great to see the Rival in his "natural setting" if you will and watch him interacting with his friends and totally letting his guard down.  I just kept thinking how very much my type he was seeming to be and how I was looking forward to continue getting to know him.  Until I couldn't find him.

Everyone, except for a few who were too drunk to care, had run inside once mother nature decided to fuck us over and drop an awesome amount of rain on our heads.  I was upstairs with a bunch of Rivals friends and suddenly realized I hadn't seen him since we all came inside.  I quickly looked around, trying my best to totally play it cool, and finally broke down and asked his friend (who was one of the hosts of the party) if he'd seen him...apparently he had left...and didn't say goodbye??  My face must have immediately shown my emotions as his friend tried to play damage control.  He tried to reassure me he didn't say goodbye to anyone and I shouldn't feel bad and he was so wasted.  Now, I can attest to the fact that he was completely drunk out of his mind.  His team was undefeated in Beirut which means they were playing around after round for over 4 hours...plus whatever other side drinks they had on top of it.  I was watching the Rival throughout the afternoon and while he was adorable he was a bit of a hot mess.  But I'm sorry, he's too old for that to be a valid excuse.

So, I did what any girl who was ditched would and shot him a text...I would have called but it was loud and I wasn't in the mood for a drunk phone call...

Me: ummm, did you leave????

Rival: yeah, I had my fill....so, I went home

(fucking asshole)

Me: no goodbye??

Rival: i had been running from the rain with everyone and I didn't see you

Me: mhm

Me: thats bullshit honestly, if you wanted to find me you could have

Rival: oh wow you totally called me out

Me: should I pretend??

Rival: possibly

(grow the fuck up..you're 31 be responsible for your actions)

Me: why pretend?

Rival: not pretending, just didn't say bye

Me: yeah, not cool

Me: Listen have a great night, your friends were awesome, thanks for the invite!!

Now, perhaps thanking him for inviting me to a party which he didn't make an extreme effort to spend time with me at, which he didn't try to put us on the same team for, which he just fucking up and left without so much as letting me know was stupid.  But regardless of his fuck up I still had a blast and the thanks was written with extreme sarcasm.  He himself was a massive disappointment.  And frankly, while I get his position on wanting to become friends with a girl before he dates her, this is not acceptable behavior even for a friend...and most certainly not for a girl you should be trying to impress.  You are a 31 year old professional with 3 masters degrees and therefore even as a drunken mess should have the wherewithal to at least let the person you invited to a party where you were the only one she knew that you were leaving.  Common fucking courtesy.  Whats worse is, he didn't even try to use being drunk as an excuse...he just tried to blow it off which makes him even more of an ass.

His friend who told me the Rival most likely left was doing his best to stand up for his friend while making sure I was ok.  He was trying to make me feel slightly better while I was trying to let him know I wasn't there under the impression the Rival was going to be my boyfriend and my disappointment stems from the complete lack of respect and thought his friend showed me.  I'd feel the same even if one of my best girlfriends did that to me.  I think anyone would.  Luckily I had two friends there with me and I'm a bit of a social butterfly so its not like I was left alone feeling helpless...I was more then ok.

In fact, amidst my aggravation I must have broke out some kind of charm because the Rivals friend apparently totally fell for me.  He had asked me for my number before I left...I had protested because I had been on a date with his friend, who also invited me there...but if he wanted to be friends that was cool.  He assured me it was a friendly gesture.  Until later that night I was getting texts from a random number, which turned out to be his, telling me "I really like you" and so on.  We chatted yesterday as well and he was trying to get me to come hang out with him and some friends in the city.  I had to decline being that I was with my girlfriends at a BBQ in NJ.  I told him I'd love to take a rain check for later in the week....he said he was game.  So we shall see ladies and gentleman.  (ps - while I remember him being really cute I also remember thinking he might be gay and then found out he designs shoes for Nine West which I'm sorry to stereotype heightened my suspicions...damn it!) 

I'll admit that I am curious to see if I will hear from the Rival again.  I know I called him out on not saying goodbye and frankly I don't feel bad about it.  He was great...till he wasn't.  I swear this situation walked right off the pages of "He's Just Not That Into You"...guy invites you out, doesn't go out of his way to spend time with you then vanishes without making the "effort" to walk around the small Manhattan apartment to find me and say goodbye...screams I could care less!!  Ouch.  Better to know now before I wasted any time.  I've been trying to figure out why he invited me there only to pull what he did...its not like it was a sausage fest, there was plenty of girls there who were all really fun and pretty...so what gives?

I'll confess, and don't take this as weakness, but a part of me wants to hear from him again. I honestly don't know why exactly since I'm so turned off and offended I don't want to go out with him again...perhaps its a psychological thing being I was the last to text and he didn't respond to me...its a text message power struggle.  I've already deleted his number so if any contact was happening at this point it would be from him anyway.

So all in all...I got a big fuck you from one guy and kind of hooked another.  Whats that whole bit about closing a door and opening a window....yeah, lets go with that.