Monday, July 25, 2011

Knocked Up?

I haven’t done this in a while…this whole blog thing.  But don’t think a day has gone by where I haven’t thought about it…that I haven’t talked about it…and I haven’t started, stopped, deleted, backspaced and did over the very post I’m attempting to write now.  It’s been surprisingly difficult not being around and I’m sad I haven’t been able to pull it together to write in…forever. 

I had been trying to figure out what to write, how to say what it is I want to say.  I’ve thought about making a video…perhaps my feelings would come across better through my overly expressive face and inflection in my voice…but would anyone like it?  You tell me.  I’ve tried to think about what words I could use to express what I was thinking except so many were racing through it was hard to pin them down.  So I took some time…some time to just process and deal.  I honestly didn’t need as much time as its been since I’ve last posted but I have had a shit ton of things going on (very good things) which have been occupying every spare second of free time I’ve had to the point where I just legitimately did not have a moment to do anything else.  It’s almost as if I’ve been full time engineer/full time party planner/full time gym rat-zumba instructor. 

So, because I don’t give a shit I’m not going to be all dramatic about this for you…guess what…my dipshit ex is engaged.  Yes you read that right.  No I’m not shaking and crying as I write this.  In fact I’m giggling.  From the second I found out, aside from my mind just being boggled, I’ve just laughed.  This is the most fucking ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.  And you know what’s funny…is back when I found out (against my will) that he was dating this girl I kept saying, watch and see he marries her…just a weird sixth sense.  It’s really strange how that happens sometimes.

Within a couple of months of us breaking up and ceasing communication he met this girl and started dating her which was a huge slap in the face, she is the first and only girls he’s dated since me.  And now in under a year of our demise and the start of his new relationship he’s engaged.  They haven’t even spent four seasons together!  Listen, it’s his life and what he does from the day we stopped speaking until the day either of us dies has absolutely no effect or bearing on my life whatsoever.  I never wanted to know this information and it was told to me against my will.  I was livid more so about that then the engagement to be honest with you, but that’s another story for another time. 

I’m over him…so very over him.  I never once asked why me, felt jealous or a longing to be in her shoes.  That doesn’t stop me from thinking this is the most ridiculous, absurd thing I’ve ever heard.  I can’t understand what the rush is, nor do I need to.  She’s a baby…somewhere around 23 years old and he’s my age…so why the need to jump into this so fast, what’s the rush…why do two people who are so young need to be engaged in less than 9mths of dating…perhaps she’s pregnant…which I must say would only make this all that much more amazing.  And please don’t think that on some very deep, personal and real level I’m not hurting…I am.  While I’ve never nor will I ever say that should have been me that doesn’t mean I’m numb.

He is presumably happy…though without speaking to him directly or someone who still knows him now there is no way to know that for sure and does it really even matter? To be honest with you that is the only thing I’m sad about.  I don’t wish him harm, sickness or anything of the sort but I most certainly do not wish him well, I don’t think he deserves happiness.  He hurt me so deeply, so frequently and without remorse that deep in my heart and soul I don’t believe someone so vicious should be experience so much good.  He proved time and again that there was no love and frankly no respect for me on any level since he selfishly kept testing my trust.  I’m left with scars and he’s moved on to someone else. 

I’m healed from the pain of him personally but I still find it hard to trust someone.  I know the day will come when I can and frankly I haven’t really found a guy yet that I’ve really needed to worry about such a thing with.  I will say that there are times when I’m thinking about the future and finding someone new and how I’m afraid of the idea of getting too close because I’ve been conditioned to believe I’d have to let go.  Even looking at my friends relationships, I am constantly wondering, how do they keep staying together?  When is it going to end?  Not because I want it to but simply because I know nothing else.  The most significant relationship I’ve had thus far was like an atomic bomb which exploded with more frequency and fierceness as time went on.  Each time he’d break up with me it was with seemingly less remorse and more just a rehearsed, glazed over look on his face that said he knew he should feel sorry but probably doesn’t (the last time he didn’t even have the balls to face me…the coward called me on the phone).  And every time he returned trying to get me back it was with more conviction and certainty that I was the one, his soul mate and he could never live without me.  I was dating both Jekyll and Hyde  but never had the choice of which one got to stick around.  He called the shots.

He was the one I always wanted.  I didn’t even recognize him  when I saw him for the first time since junior high in our friends backyard…but I had one of those “that’s the man I’m going to marry moments”  And from that point on he was what I always wished for…every candle I blew out, every star I saw, penny I threw, 11:11 that passed by…you name it, if I could wish on it I would..and I wished that we would be together.  For so long I wished and I got little tastes of it when we would flirt and make out on breaks during college and he would get jealous if I’d flirt with anyone else.  When we finally got serious I felt all my wishes came true.  When we broke up I was back to wishing…wishing he’d realize he made a mistake…and he would come back.  This last time the wishing stopped.  If anything, I was wishing he would disappear from my memory.  I wanted him erased because remembering was too hard and painful.  I wished it all never happened.  I hate to say this since people try so hard to “live life without regrets” but it’s really an impossible thing I feel.  I tried so hard to walk away from the relationship without regrets and I thought that by giving him every chance and opportunity he asked/begged for was the way to do that.  I look back now and realize that was stupid.  I wanted love so badly, I wanted him so badly, I wanted his love more then I wanted my own true happiness.  I walked away without either.

A year later all the pieces of me that I let go or stifled just to try and be with him have returned full force, I feel more myself then I think I had the entire time I was with him.  That speaks volumes.  I hate that I wasted so much time on him especially since any lessons I may have learned from all this should have been learned after the first time he broke up with me.  I have always seen the world with a child-like wonder…I’m not immature…but I always want to believe in good, maybe even a little sparkle and magic too if you will ;)  My Mom has always said I have a whimsical way about me and she’s right.  I love to look at everything and everyone and see the fun, the joy and the beauty in it.  I want to believe in good and that people would want to protect and love me the way I would them.  I learned the hard way that’s not the case.  I still feel the same I always have and the part of me that wants so badly to feel even an ounce of the love that I hope he felt from me still exists…I’m just a little more cautious now and that’s not a bad thing.

So onward we go and to the man I have yet to meet…I truly look forward to the day we find each other.

To the rest of you…thank you for sticking around during my uber long hiatus.  That truly means the world to me.  Now that I have this post out of the way we can continue our regularly scheduled programming of me updating you on all the craziness that has been occurring.  And lucky for you there is so much to catch you up on!!!