Monday, July 25, 2011

Knocked Up?


I haven’t done this in a while…this whole blog thing.  But don’t think a day has gone by where I haven’t thought about it…that I haven’t talked about it…and I haven’t started, stopped, deleted, backspaced and did over the very post I’m attempting to write now.  It’s been surprisingly difficult not being around and I’m sad I haven’t been able to pull it together to write in…forever. 

I had been trying to figure out what to write, how to say what it is I want to say.  I’ve thought about making a video…perhaps my feelings would come across better through my overly expressive face and inflection in my voice…but would anyone like it?  You tell me.  I’ve tried to think about what words I could use to express what I was thinking except so many were racing through it was hard to pin them down.  So I took some time…some time to just process and deal.  I honestly didn’t need as much time as its been since I’ve last posted but I have had a shit ton of things going on (very good things) which have been occupying every spare second of free time I’ve had to the point where I just legitimately did not have a moment to do anything else.  It’s almost as if I’ve been full time engineer/full time party planner/full time gym rat-zumba instructor. 

So, because I don’t give a shit I’m not going to be all dramatic about this for you…guess what…my dipshit ex is engaged.  Yes you read that right.  No I’m not shaking and crying as I write this.  In fact I’m giggling.  From the second I found out, aside from my mind just being boggled, I’ve just laughed.  This is the most fucking ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.  And you know what’s funny…is back when I found out (against my will) that he was dating this girl I kept saying, watch and see he marries her…just a weird sixth sense.  It’s really strange how that happens sometimes.

Within a couple of months of us breaking up and ceasing communication he met this girl and started dating her which was a huge slap in the face, she is the first and only girls he’s dated since me.  And now in under a year of our demise and the start of his new relationship he’s engaged.  They haven’t even spent four seasons together!  Listen, it’s his life and what he does from the day we stopped speaking until the day either of us dies has absolutely no effect or bearing on my life whatsoever.  I never wanted to know this information and it was told to me against my will.  I was livid more so about that then the engagement to be honest with you, but that’s another story for another time. 

I’m over him…so very over him.  I never once asked why me, felt jealous or a longing to be in her shoes.  That doesn’t stop me from thinking this is the most ridiculous, absurd thing I’ve ever heard.  I can’t understand what the rush is, nor do I need to.  She’s a baby…somewhere around 23 years old and he’s my age…so why the need to jump into this so fast, what’s the rush…why do two people who are so young need to be engaged in less than 9mths of dating…perhaps she’s pregnant…which I must say would only make this all that much more amazing.  And please don’t think that on some very deep, personal and real level I’m not hurting…I am.  While I’ve never nor will I ever say that should have been me that doesn’t mean I’m numb.

He is presumably happy…though without speaking to him directly or someone who still knows him now there is no way to know that for sure and does it really even matter? To be honest with you that is the only thing I’m sad about.  I don’t wish him harm, sickness or anything of the sort but I most certainly do not wish him well, I don’t think he deserves happiness.  He hurt me so deeply, so frequently and without remorse that deep in my heart and soul I don’t believe someone so vicious should be experience so much good.  He proved time and again that there was no love and frankly no respect for me on any level since he selfishly kept testing my trust.  I’m left with scars and he’s moved on to someone else. 

I’m healed from the pain of him personally but I still find it hard to trust someone.  I know the day will come when I can and frankly I haven’t really found a guy yet that I’ve really needed to worry about such a thing with.  I will say that there are times when I’m thinking about the future and finding someone new and how I’m afraid of the idea of getting too close because I’ve been conditioned to believe I’d have to let go.  Even looking at my friends relationships, I am constantly wondering, how do they keep staying together?  When is it going to end?  Not because I want it to but simply because I know nothing else.  The most significant relationship I’ve had thus far was like an atomic bomb which exploded with more frequency and fierceness as time went on.  Each time he’d break up with me it was with seemingly less remorse and more just a rehearsed, glazed over look on his face that said he knew he should feel sorry but probably doesn’t (the last time he didn’t even have the balls to face me…the coward called me on the phone).  And every time he returned trying to get me back it was with more conviction and certainty that I was the one, his soul mate and he could never live without me.  I was dating both Jekyll and Hyde  but never had the choice of which one got to stick around.  He called the shots.

He was the one I always wanted.  I didn’t even recognize him  when I saw him for the first time since junior high in our friends backyard…but I had one of those “that’s the man I’m going to marry moments”  And from that point on he was what I always wished for…every candle I blew out, every star I saw, penny I threw, 11:11 that passed by…you name it, if I could wish on it I would..and I wished that we would be together.  For so long I wished and I got little tastes of it when we would flirt and make out on breaks during college and he would get jealous if I’d flirt with anyone else.  When we finally got serious I felt all my wishes came true.  When we broke up I was back to wishing…wishing he’d realize he made a mistake…and he would come back.  This last time the wishing stopped.  If anything, I was wishing he would disappear from my memory.  I wanted him erased because remembering was too hard and painful.  I wished it all never happened.  I hate to say this since people try so hard to “live life without regrets” but it’s really an impossible thing I feel.  I tried so hard to walk away from the relationship without regrets and I thought that by giving him every chance and opportunity he asked/begged for was the way to do that.  I look back now and realize that was stupid.  I wanted love so badly, I wanted him so badly, I wanted his love more then I wanted my own true happiness.  I walked away without either.

A year later all the pieces of me that I let go or stifled just to try and be with him have returned full force, I feel more myself then I think I had the entire time I was with him.  That speaks volumes.  I hate that I wasted so much time on him especially since any lessons I may have learned from all this should have been learned after the first time he broke up with me.  I have always seen the world with a child-like wonder…I’m not immature…but I always want to believe in good, maybe even a little sparkle and magic too if you will ;)  My Mom has always said I have a whimsical way about me and she’s right.  I love to look at everything and everyone and see the fun, the joy and the beauty in it.  I want to believe in good and that people would want to protect and love me the way I would them.  I learned the hard way that’s not the case.  I still feel the same I always have and the part of me that wants so badly to feel even an ounce of the love that I hope he felt from me still exists…I’m just a little more cautious now and that’s not a bad thing.

So onward we go and to the man I have yet to meet…I truly look forward to the day we find each other.

To the rest of you…thank you for sticking around during my uber long hiatus.  That truly means the world to me.  Now that I have this post out of the way we can continue our regularly scheduled programming of me updating you on all the craziness that has been occurring.  And lucky for you there is so much to catch you up on!!!  

12 comments:

  1. Glad you're back! I find your theory about her being knocked up amusing...

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  2. Oh girl, I can so understand what you're going through! I'm very happy you're back though :)

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  3. Thank you thank you...to both of you!!! Its so wonderful to be back!!!

    Maxwell - it is amusing for sure...no reason to believe its the case but just a fun thought, no?

    Hutch - missed you!!!!

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  4. Glad to see a post from you again! Sorry to hear that you got hit with this difficult news. I'm tempted to offer moving-on advice but also aware that it would be unsolicited and that what worked for me might not work for everyone. Anyway, I look forward to hearing about the Very Good Things mentioned near the start!

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  5. Welcome back! I guess with some things ignorance is bliss.

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  6. Matt - thank you! It was definitely hard to hear...something I said over and over to my friends I didn't want to know. This is why I asked people to delete him on FB so they wouldn't know anything about him either and feel tempted to tell me. Its his life, he can do with it what he chooses and I'm not interested to know what those choices are. I appreciate you wanting to give me advice, you are more then welcome to if you'd like. I will say though, that I am over him. I wrote this openly and honestly but not from a place where I'm still stuck in the past. My emotions about it all are very different now...at this point its a complete disinterest and I have absolutely no desire to acknowledge his existence, thats what makes me happy. I'm excited to tell you guys about all the good things though!! =)

    Alice - "ignorance IS bliss" ...that is EXACTLY what I said to my friend when she called to tell me about this. everyone is different and no way is the right way to be or feel...and as for me, I'm a member of the "the less I know the happier I am" club. Some people want to keep up to date on the lives of their ex but me...good bye, good luck, I'm moving on and not looking back.

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  7. I don't know if my thoughts on this will ring true for you, but it reminded me of a time in my past:

    My first girlfriend cheated on me, lied to me and repeatedly broke up with me - usually over the phone too. I kept "giving her chances" but really I was giving myself another chance to try to make her want me enough to stay.

    After our final break-up I reached the point of being over her, in that I didn't want her back, but at first I still wasn't over the experience in general. I was angry that everything I'd put into the relationship hadn't been enough. Why had she done those things despite how good I'd been to her? How could I trust someone else not to do the same thing?

    She didn't have the answers, but I found it helpful to listen to my own answers. She had trust/abandonment issues and was scared I might leave her. So she would leave me first. She wasn't ready to receive what I had to give - the better I was, the more she would fear losing me.

    I found that my answers helped me to trust others again - no need to be wary of all women, just ones who displayed the same warning signs that she had. I also found that my feeling of understanding helped the anger to go away. She really hurt me but now I wish her all the happiness in the world, just as I wish for everyone else, because that's how I'd like the world to be. Holding onto resentment was holding me back. It was really liberating to forgive her and wish her all the best, and also to forgive myself for not learning quicker.

    I hope this doesn't sound like I think I know it all, because of course I don't, but I just thought it might be food for thought.

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  8. I can truly relate to this. I recently found out that my ex is engaged too, and also in less than a year of dating this girl, the last time I talked to him. It's more strange than anything else. Surreal, almost. And at times it makes me giggle. And at times it breaks my heart; not because I want him, but because he's found someone and I still feel light years away from that place.

    Most days, though, I don't even think about it. The initial shock is the worst.

    Cheers to both our futures. :)

    Lor

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  9. Also, after I clicked out of here, I went on to a blog that linked to an Adele video. "Someone Like You" just always, always reminds me of my ex being engaged. -_-

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  10. I totally understand this feeling. My ex isn't yet engaged, but after we ended our six-year relationship (which I did b/c he didn't have the balls to do it and kept blaming me for things that weren't going right) he met a girl online (also much younger) and they have been dating for about a year now. I was hurt because I wanted him to feel a fraction of the pain that I had been going through. I couldn't help but think that he didn't deserve to feel any kind of happiness.

    It took me awhile to get over that. And I have. But the pain still exists and I wonder how long it'll take for me to trust someone ever again. It's difficult but I hope this is one of those when-you-know-it's-right-it's-just-right kind of things. I believe that's how it'll go for you. You'll meet someone and your ex will only exist as a very distant memory. And that's refreshing to think of, isn't it?

    And also: welcome back. You were missed :)

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  11. Not going to lie. Just read all of your posts. You're a talented writer, however, I feel like you deserve it all. You just come off as that kind of person. The end.

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  12. Anonymous - first, welcome to Daterview! I appreciate you stopping by, reading all the posts & enjoying my writing! That means a lot :)

    I am probably opening Pandora's box here but I'm curious what kind of person it is you think I am that I deserve it all as you say. I'm not asking defensively or even saying your wrong (I know I can often times be naive which would lend itself to someone being in situations like mine)...so if your willing...please explain

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