Friday, August 5, 2011

Nice Guys are Assholes Too...

So here is a story for you:

Girl joins a kickball team.  Girl meets super cute guy on kickball team.  Guy and girl make out one night…sparks fly.  Guy wants girl to stay …instead Girl flees home with friend.  Balls are kicked, cups are flipped and flirting ensues.  Girl invites guy to come meet her at a bar for drinks with a few friends.  Guy obliges and shows up.  Guy flirts heavily with girl and expresses jealousy that other boys may have flirted with her.  Guy leaves and calls/texts girl to invite her to his place.  Girl considers, friends encourage and girl ends up spooning/making out with guy.  Girl leaves for work in the AM.

Two weeks pass and guy and girl are reunited on the field.  Guy runs over to girl excited to see her.  Girl is secretly excited to see guy too.  Flirting commences.  More of the same takes place at the bar until guy is suddenly entrapped in conversation with a Gumby Girl (aka a girl that is so tall she reminds me of Gumby). 

Guy seems to forget original girl is still there, staring right at him.  Guy has blinders on and is completely focused on Gumby.  Guy and Gumby may have left together??  Girl is saddened.

See, thing is perhaps I didn’t play my game right and as one of my teammates pointed out, should have been more aggressive so to say at the bar.  Like as in not keeping my distance so as to not seem too interested and actually going over to him every time he was asking me to instead of ignoring it and playing coy.  Yet knowing there is a chance I made myself seem completely disinterested I still can’t shake the feeling that him flirting with that girl right in front of me without a care was kind of fucked up.  He had shown interest in me and then it was like I didn’t exist…although truth be told I did exist at first and he kept saying “you should stand over here” and motioned to his side…and then I didn’t.  What’s wrong with me exactly?  Idiot.

Does anyone else do this?  You’re afraid to seem too interested or be that girl that goes after a guy when perhaps you should be hanging with your friends and ultimately you screw yourself out of a chance with him?  Where is the line exactly?  When do you know when you should push the envelope and when is it ok to break from your friends to pursue a cutie?  This is a consistent issue for me and I need help tackling it.  I’m constantly too afraid of being too flirty that I think I shoot myself in the foot with guys I actually like and end up looking disinterested.  Also I think I’m afraid if I’m too flirty I look desperate and a guy will give me attention just because he thinks I’m an easy target for the night.  I want a guy to want to date me and get to know me and I’m starting to think I have no fucking clue how to make that happen.  I’m caught in some limbo of fearing too much of one thing that I end up doing nothing and ultimately getting nowhere…other then aggravated.

Now that I’ve recognized that I’m constantly committing dating suicide how do I stop it?  I’m not sure which step recognizing and admitting you have a problem is but I’ve done it…now what???  I fear if I don’t quit this shit right now I’m going to be single forever and that thought just made me throw up in my mouth a little.

**Disclaimer:  I in no way think this guy owes me anything or that just because we made out and had a sleep over he should be banned from flirting with anyone else…that’s just completely ridiculous…I guess I just feel his actions show no consideration or respect for me whatsoever…and no, I would not like a guy like that, however, if there was something I should/could have done to potentially change the outcome speak up!**


  1. The way I'm reading this, I'm willing to be there is no malice in what Guy is doing. Probably what happened is that he picked up a "not interested" vibe from you and moved on. The fact that Gumby happened right there is probably just an accident.

    I think the bigger question is what happened in the two-week period? If not much was going on, and you didn't seem too interested at the bar, I can see how he would cut his losses.

    This really sucks it had to happen with a guy you liked. I'm sorry to hear that.

  2. I'm curious about the title and what makes this guy "Nice."

    I still haven't figured out the proper balance, clearly as I'm still single. I'm either too disinterested or they think I'm looking to settle down and pop out babies (yeah, no, thanks).

  3. That sucks, it's hard to put yourself out there too much, but maybe he got the feeling you weren't as interested in him?! Who knows?

  4. I don't know what the dating scene is like in NYC, so take my thoughts with a massive pinch of salt or something. Also I'm not meaning to sound critical so I apologise if I do.

    I think that dating can be like a series of steps, and it helps if none of the steps are reversals. Once you've slept over at his, it kind of sets the bar at that point, so if you then play coy then it feels like a step backwards in the progression of things between you two.

    It sounds like you wanted the guy to date you, which by my definition would be to invite you to go out and spend time together alone without friends there, but it sounds like your first "alone time" was at his place, so it's like you skipped a stage or two. Maybe you hoped that he'd be hooked enough on the make-out sessions to want to backtrack and fill in the meals-and-movies-type activities? But I would suggest that if you want more than just make-outs then it's necessary to have more alone-together non-physical time first.

    So I'd suggest that if you get talking to a guy and want him to "want to date me and get to know me" (quoting your post) you could give him your number and tell him to ask you out on a date. No make-out until take-out-somewhere. If he doesn't follow through then he wasn't the right guy anyway, right?

    Like I say: I'm not trying to give you a hard time, just offering my thoughts. I also agree with Maxwell that more info on the two-week period would be helpful.

  5. Hutch - he actually is a nice guy and he's funny and fun too..from what I've gathered when we've hung out. He constantly makes me laugh

    Alice - I honestly think you're right and my mission now is to see if I can possibly correct that

    Max - I think you're correct as well...I don't think he was doing it out of malice or to be an ass...I'm sure she was just there and I put way too much distance between us...I completely blame myself.

    Matt - you dont sound critical AT ALL! You give incredible advice and have some really great insight, I always appreciate what you have to say. And in this case, thats definitely an American thing as well. It was a split second decision to give in and accept his proposal for a sleep over. I was exhausted and the idea of snuggling with someone seemed appealing. I did kick myself in the AM thinking I should have held out for a real date first...patience is not a virtue i always have

    *As for the two week period...not much at all really happened...we sent a few bbms but he was traveling for work and I was insanely busy myself. not that its an excuse bc two people who like each other can still chat amongst all the crazy that comes along with life.

    I'm going to be seeing him tonight for our kickball game...I'm trying to figure out if I could/should say or do anything to let him know I'm interested...perhaps teasing him about flirting with a girl like he had done to me about a guy? i'm not sure if that works with guys the way it does with girls....

  6. *SIGH*

    Welcome to my world. I have no idea how to do this either. I'm always worried that the guys I'm really interested in will think I'm disinterested b/c I worry so much about not coming across as a stage-five clinger... so instead I go the complete other way and think sometimes I appear way too aloof. It's a fine line, but I think girls are much more cognizant of this b/c we are constantly slapped with such unfair labels as "needy" or "desperate." This does NOT mean you will end up alone for the rest of your life--banish the thought!


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