Friday, October 29, 2010

Time to Fly...

Oh Halloween, how I love you!!!  I dont really get people who don't absolutely adore this holiday!  There is something so refreshing and wonderful about the fall...and then you throw in pumpkins, candy and COSTUMES...come on its just magical. 

For the first time ever I'm going to be missing Halloween here in the good old USA.  I'm devastated...sort of.  You see at 7pm tonight I will be on board a direct flight to Dublin, Ireland!!!!  So this year I will be celebrating Halloween with the Irish =)  I hope they bring their A-game.

I'm going to be visiting a friend of mine from high school who has been living in Dublin for a few years now.  She went there for grad school then got a job with fucking Google!!!  Who is cooler then her?  Yeah, I'm completely jealous of her life as I'm sure you are too.  I'll be over there for 9 days and I can't begin to explain my excitement.

I've never been out of the country before (I dont feel like cruises count) so this is a big thing for me.  I'm flying alone which I'm not worried about and during the day I'll be taking a bunch of day tours around the country to entertain myself while my friend is at work.  I just hope people talk to me.  As Patches told me the other day "you'd talk to a wall if you had to" we all know me starting a conversation isn't an issue...I just want people to talk back.  Damn it!!  I'm sure they will because as I hear people tend to enjoy meeting others while they I need a buddy to take pictures of me while I bend over backwards and kiss the Blarney Stone!

I will give you a heads up that while there unfortunately will be no new posts until I get back.  In my  travels I will hopefully be meeting some delicious Irish men with wonderful accents who will give me loads of things to write about when I return!  

Till then...I hope you all rock out this weekend for Halloween...kiss a hot vampire, goblin, or costumed creature of your choice!!  Slán go fóill (Bye for now)


Thursday, October 28, 2010

Mix Well, Let Simmer...

They say good things come to those who wait…and I waited…and man were things oh-so-good.  Two long weeks which included a crap ton of social obligations, even more personal errands, one miserable experience and a make-myself-feel-better shopping excursion of epic proportions went by before I saw Sauce again.  A BBM chat about nothing of any significance turned into me driving over to his apartment looking forward to finding comfort and distraction with him. 

As usual Sauce came outside to meet me when I got there, which I find to be such a gentleman-like thing to do, and plants the sweetest kiss on me as we hug hello…Hellooo to you too Sauce ;)  We sit on the couch side by side…for some reason no matter how much room we have we always sit practically on top of each other.  Sauce has this sweet way of draping his hand over my leg when we are sitting and chatting…its such a subtle, gentle way of making contact and letting me know I’m on his mind and I’m not gonna lie, I totally adore it.  Then he starts asking me about what happened at work because he wants to know who he needs to kill for fucking with his girl (don’t misread that for girlfriend…he just means a girl he cares about)  So, I tell him just enough and its nice to talk to him because he’s wonderful at listening but I make sure not to say too much since him being a former Marine (girls, you’ve got to see this guy in uniform) and a current cop I fear he would actually hurt someone who wronged me given the opportunity.  No joke.  I find no reason to add fuel to his fire.  Once all that is out of the way we are just relaxing watching tv and the next thing I know Sauce says “So how long do I have to wait for you to kiss me?”  And before I even have an opportunity to answer its game on!!

He pulls me from my spot on the couch over to him and before I know it my legs are wrapped around his waist, his arms are around mine and we are almost instantly hot and breathing deeply.  I swear to god this man turns me on like no other.  I’ve known him since I was 16 and this has never changed.  So there we are just taking in every moment of every kiss.  The next thing I know he’s standing up with me still wrapped around him and carries me to his room.  I have never felt so light (he carried me like I weighed 2lbs) and desired (who knew a guy carrying you to bed is just as hot as it seems in the movies).

Now we are just rolling around on the bed like high school kids making out like the world depended on it.  All the while our clothes are all on, our hands are behaving and yet we are sweating, panting and incapable of stopping.  Once in a while we pause to smile, lock eyes and take in what’s happening.  He mentions at one point how he’s been chasing me forever and can’t believe we are here in this moment right now.  And I’ll be honest, I couldn’t either.

I don’t think I have ever been as turned on as I was that night just from kissing in such innocent ways.  Perhaps the innocence of being completely clothed and knowing we weren’t going to sleep together helped make it as steamy as it was.  I can’t even imagine what it would be like if we ever actually rip each other’s clothes off and proceed to devour each other bit by bit.  I’d never forget that night, that’s for sure.

The Juicy Details:  The few times either of us actually said anything Sauce managed to sneak in there how much he wanted me to spend the night.  It put such a smile on my face each and every time he said it.  At one point while we were finally catching our breaths and our limbs were all tangled we both fell asleep.  I could have stayed there till forever.  It felt so comfortable, so sweet, so exactly what I needed…but I decided it would be best for me to go home…but not before Sauce had the chance to strike up a very interesting conversation.  He said to me how he thinks this could be really great…and naturally I agreed.  But then put him on the spot a little and said…”this making out?”  he says “well yeah but more than that just us spending time together.”…my heart literally stopped.  He then tells me he wants to see me as much as possible (which for us isn’t too much because of our schedules which I’ve told you about before)…and that he wants to take things slow and see where they go.  So to make sure I’m not delusional and dreaming and making shit up in my head (I’ve been known to do this) I clarify…”see where they go how?  You mean like dating?”  Sauce: “Yeah”  Deep breath.  Certainly part of me was thinking this may happen based on our past conversations but the other half, the part with the logic and the strength thought it was a ridiculous notion…him wanting to date me.  But no, apparently it wasn’t ridiculous. 

I will just clarify that I do not consider us exclusive, hell I don’t even consider us to be dating at this point.  We will hang out and see what happens.  I have no expectations whatsoever.  In fact, I feel like he’ll just forget about the conversation and that will be that.  (just an fyi we were both stone cold sober when all this happened)  I don’t know it just all seems too easy and a part of me is apprehensive, nervous….terrified.  I still don’t know what I want, but I’m not going to pass this up.  It’s wonderful that we’ll take it slow because it will give me, hopefully, enough time to figure this and myself out.  I’m actually going away for 9 days tomorrow and will (fingers crossed) see Sauce tonight before I go…and lets hope while I’m gone he doesn’t miraculously meet someone else squashing this entire thing before it really even began.  Damn it bad timing!!!

But anyway, ladies and gentlemen….Sauce just got spicy!!! ;-)

PS - I would just like to enlighten you all about a little something I learned from Sauce that night...he would gently pull down my bottom lip and kiss/lick the inside of sounds weird and seemed insane at first...but then i realized it was amazing...I dont know if there are a bunch of nerve endings in there or something but wow!!!  Go, try this now.  Your welcome.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

In A Moment...

I have been quiet.  I have been so very quiet recently.  It’s not really like me but I suppose I haven’t exactly felt like myself recently.  I’d apologize but I can’t.  While I feel guilty for being absent the fact is…I lost my voice, my words, my nerve.  I have been engaged in a serious internal debate about my next steps.  Things happened and are happening.  Some I can’t wait to tell you about it…another I’ve been struggling with.  This is a dating blog.  I’m here to tell you about all these seriously hot men vying for my attention (I wish) and all the adventures we have and not all the other nonsense and bullshit that goes through my mind or happens in my life.  After taking some time to think about it I’ve decided that the incident I’m going to write about today is something I should tell for myself, for you and for any individual that may come across this post even though its not about a date. 

It’s amazing that at any moment in time, whether you choose for it to or not, your entire life can change forever.  We see this every day…people who take a different route to work and meet the love of their life.  Someone who puts a quarter into a slot machine and wins the jackpot.  A person who looks away for a split second and ends up in an accident.  Life is a series of moments.  What you choose to do with each moment has the potential to completely change your life.  Most of the time moments seem fleeting and lets be serious, they kind of are, but fleeting or not within each moment you are making a choice…what to say, what to do, how to act…and so on.  So long as you are alive, well and competent you are acting on your own free will…living life as you see fit.  Then there are those moments when your decisions, your choices affect someone else.  It’s in these moments you become bigger than yourself…your taking control of someone else’s moment and depending on the situation the results could be anywhere from inconsequential or life changing.  For example…you step on a person’s foot; painful but inconsequential (unless you’re a whale and manage to break it)…on the flip side…you end a relationship and break a person’s heart, could be life changing.  Or in my case…your sexually harassed at work…completely life changing.

Even though this incident happened a week ago today it still seems surreal.  The idea that something like this happened to me just doesn’t want to click.  The fact that I am part of a statistic and labeled as a victim is disturbing and unnatural.  How could this happen to me?  I’m not this person.  This is not my life.  I don’t want to know this pain.  I could have done without this experience.  No matter how much I want to push it out of my mind the truth remains the same…I am NOW this person…this is NOW my life…and NOW I know this pain.  This person took that moment from me and changed my life forever.  Selfish bastard.

I am fortunate that things didn’t escalate to a level you hear some of these sexual harassment cases go to but that doesn’t make it any better or any easier to deal with.  I am praying there are no long term, lasting effects as a result of this experience.  I have been pointed in the direction of counselors as a resource I can use if I need.

You see, I work in an extremely male dominated industry…so much so it’s almost guaranteed I am the only female (with the exception of an admin) on a project site.  I knew this was going to be the case going into college when I was picking my major and I was going to be one of, if not the only, girl in my classes.  It’s a path I chose and something I was prepared to handle.  I make certain to carry myself in an extremely professional manner, dress appropriately and keep my personal life personal not because the idea that I’d ever encounter a situation like this crossed my mind but because I wanted to be respected and taken seriously.  I can honestly say that between college, my internship and my professional career never have I experienced this or even heard about something like this taking place.  All the men I have encountered, until now, treated me no different and I appreciated that immensely.

As they always tend to say, things are always clearer in hindsight so as I look back at all the things that have occurred over time between myself and this guy I see them in a very different light.  Naturally at the time I found them weird but made a joke of it more than a concern.  My mistake?  He was someone I had to work with every single day in some capacity or another.  He was superior to me due to more experience and time in the industry but was not my boss…we had the same boss actually.  Even still, he was able to give me assignments and was a guy I had to run a lot of questions, concerns and issues by.  I actually came to really respect him because he was extremely intelligent and I figured I’d be able to learn a lot by working with him.  On the other hand, he was someone I would never consider being friends with as we are cut from two very different cloths so a working relationship was where things ended.  Frankly, that’s how I conduct myself almost 100% of the time.  Work stays at work and home stays home. 

I don’t socialize with my coworkers and I don’t bring my social life to work.  It’s just much more comfortable for me that way.  So when this guy started sending me emails or asking me in person or over the phone to hang out after work I was really annoyed.  I always politely declined and began to wonder how many times I had to say no before he got the hint.  I started to realize that after a while when I would decline his invitations he seemed to get annoyed which I felt was weird because we had never hung out before, never discussed hanging out and we’re not even remotely friendly…its always just business.  On one occasion we were out on the project site together and he ran his fingers through my hair and declared “You have really beautiful hair.”  Ok, fucking creepy.  I immediately dismissed the comment and swiftly started walking the other direction trying not to make a big deal of what just happened.  It was too awkward to address and given the capacity in which we had to work together I figured not making a big deal of it would be the best route to take to avoid an unpleasant situation.  Even as I type this I can see that cookie cutter behavior…the one being harassed stays quiet in an attempt to prevent things from becoming uncomfortable.  The fact I was quiet makes me feel weak because I should have stood up for myself and should have told him how fucking disgusting that was and put him in his place regardless of the outcome. 

But you see the outcome is the thing that stops you in your tracks…fears of what would people say, what would they think, would I lose my job, would he, would no one believe me and I’m forced to continue working with someone under these conditions?  So I told a couple of my coworkers who were already aware of the emails I was getting, about the hair incident and we all continued poking fun of this guy as we always had.  Then on a separate occasion while I was out on the site with him he started poking for information on whether or not I had a boyfriend.  Now, given my aforementioned preference to keep my personal life to myself I quickly dismissed his questions because frankly, I found them obnoxious and out of line.

And finally we arrive at the day I wish never happened.  Once again we are out on the site and it’s just the two of us which is something I’ve never questioned before.  I go out to the site with the guys all the time and never think twice about it.  We were surveying a building and when I thought we were finished I turned around, turned off the light and proceeded towards the door.  The next thing I know he grabbed my wrist so I turned around and asked “Oh did we forget something?” thinking we may have more work to complete.  While still holding my wrist he then proceeds to stand very close to me and say while stroking the hair that had fallen over my shoulder “I just wanted to tell you I think you are so beautiful.”  I immediately freaked and felt extremely uncomfortable…flashbacks from the previous hair incident were streaking through my head and all I wanted to do was diffuse the situation.  I muttered a quick and nervous “um thanks” and turned to leave…he still had my wrist and before I knew it he grabbed the other and was moving closer to me.  All I can remember was repeating “No” over and over while struggling to get out of his grasp.  I kept thinking of course this is the one fucking day I forget a radio and how since the building was closed and the contractors were gone for the day if I screamed no one would hear me.  Thankfully I freed my wrists and started walking away as fast as I could with my cell phone in hand trying to figure out what I should do.  I was shaking more than I can ever remember I have before and my mind was racing. 

Next thing I know this guy was driving along side of me (he had driven us down to the other end of the site) and was trying to get me to get in his car.  He kept saying he was sorry, that was inappropriate, can we please talk about this and he doesn’t know how it happened.  First of all your only sorry because I’m upset and your saying its inappropriate because I didn’t reciprocate and no we cannot talk about it and don’t even sit there with some stupid bullshit about you don’t know how it happened.  You know EXACTLY how it happened.  You made a conscious decision in that moment to make that move and say those things.  You don’t have a history of mental illness and some excuse where you blackout and don’t know who you are.  You were there, sober, conscious and focused on the decisions you were making.  There is NO EXCUSE.  I kept begging him to just leave me alone because I’m walking back to the trailer and he kept arguing that it would “look weird if we go back separately since we left together”.  Well guess what jackass…not my fucking problem.  I cried the whole walk back.

When I was finally back at my desk he approached me to try and talk.  I didn’t even look up at him because if I did I would have beat the ever living shit out of him.  The next thing I know he walked away and I got an email.  His version of an “apology” once again saying he didn’t know how it happened and he wants to talk to me to make sure it never happens again.  I’m sorry but we should not have to have a conversation to make sure something that never should have happened in the first place doesn’t happen again!!!! 

I went home scared, devastated and confused.  I had no idea what I was going to do the next day.  How was I supposed to work with this guy?  As I drove up to the site the next morning the tears started flowing again.  The memory of what happened the day before just flooded my mind.  As I sat at my desk and opened my email there is another one from this guy staring me in the face…only this time he wrote to me and our boss.  Basically he said he wasn’t sure if he could continue working for the company because he did something that would change his life forever yesterday.  He never said exactly what happened but just made a lot of babble about how he isn’t like this and respects women blah fucking blah.  I was so overwhelmed.  Not only did he put me in that position but he didn’t even allow me the opportunity to deal with this the way I wanted to.  This was all knocking the wind out of me. 

After a couple of conversations with my boss on site and a phone call with my boss in the office they insist I go home and wait to hear from HR.  I went in to speak with HR the following day and was told as of yesterday morning the guy no longer worked for the company.  They have a zero tolerance policy for this kind of thing and they let him go.  Every single person I dealt with pertaining to this situation was more amazing then I could have expected.  I just can’t even put to words how appreciative I am for everything they have said and done through this whole situation. 

I guess to conclude this post I will say that whether you are a man or woman never allow anyone to make you feel uncomfortable or take advantage of you.  You know what is inappropriate behavior and unfortunately once in a while there will be someone who just doesn’t care.  And please use my story as an example…even the most innocent seeming behavior, which you can make into some of the funniest jokes, should not be taken lightly if they seem a little strange.  You need to look out for yourself first and these days there are laws out there to protect you and companies take this extremely seriously.  You should never be afraid to speak up and if speaking to a superior is too scary or intimidating find someone you can confide in who can be your support.  This way you’re not alone and you have a person in your corner. 

I pray to god no one I know or anyone reading this ever has an experience like this but I can only hope that having heard my story you walk away a little more aware and in tune with this behavior and you can potentially handle or recognize a similar situation with yourself or someone else before it gets to this point.

I know this post is the furthest thing from dating but it deals greatly with the male-female relationship and I felt it was important I write about it.  I hope you agree.  Also, I promise to post about two much more enjoyable topics starting tomorrow.

Friday, October 15, 2010

In Case You Were Curious....

Well, this was a quiet week...for a few reasons...first and foremost I have been exhausted recently...even more so then my pregnant friend...sympathy exhaustion perhaps?  Doubtful.  I finally got to the doctor last night and she gave me some wonderful prescription meds which yours truly naturally forgot to take this morning (its really tough being a fucking genius) so hopefully 10 days from now or 11 since I forgot today...I will feel much more ummm perky??  Whatever.  I just want to stop being so goddamn tired, is it really too much to ask??

Anyway, as the weekend is approaching I wanted to shoot out a quick update about a few things.  First, Rugrat tried to step up his game last night much to my surprise.  Up until now all our successful/failed attempts to see each other have been party other words we text each other furiously while we are out with friends and attempt to combine parties and meet up.  Ridiculous, immature...yet, spontaneous and exciting.  Weird how that happens.  Yesterday, however, he proposes a movie date...for a movie that isn't out in theaters yet.  I can't figure that out either.  But he redeemed himself by saying rainy nights are perfect movie nights and he has some great movies from netflix.  Sadly, we had to take a raincheck because the two of us were both fighting to stay awake.  But hey, this is a step in a promising direction!

Sauce and I have been doing our typical flirt texting and somehow via dozens of comments we annihilated my sisters wall with I may have somehow convinced him to cook something for us in his "amazing" sauce.  Score!  I'm going to put this boy to work while getting to check out if he is actually a good cook.  For all the years I've known him he's never cooked for me, I've only heard constantly how much he enjoys it and how good he is.  What a tease.  I can't wait to find out for myself if the rumors (he started) are true.

Lastly, non-man or date related...I participated in a virtual round table discussion over at a lovely blog called The Ladies Room.  Head on over to check out my responses to some of the most common questions surrounding men and dating. I think you'll enjoy it!

Thats all for now...its Ladies Night tonight and Patches and I are geared up and ready to find some of NYC's hottest bachelors...wish us luck!!  And I believe we should be crossing paths tonight with Gryph which really just means one thing...trouble...lots of all the best possible ways!! :)

Friday, October 8, 2010

Its Getting Hot in Here...

Picture this: cool, crisp, NY October night…two perfectly chilled glasses of wine…one steaming hot tub…two friends enjoying all of it with ever mounting sexual tension between them.  I’d like you to meet Sauce.  A Marine turned NYPD.  He’s hot, insanely fun, amazing abs, a great cook, adorable smile, hot (yes, it needs to be repeated), totally into his family…and I think you get the idea.  I’ve known him since we were 16.  We met through a mutual friend who I worked with at the Y (and kind of dated) and he went to high school with.  For as long as I’ve known him we’ve always had this really natural way (of not being able to keep our hands off each other) about us.  There is just a lot of really great chemistry there…on all levels.  Conversation flows and we just always seem to get each other.  There is a lot of mutual respect for one another and the way we live our lives.  And you can’t deny the attraction.  We have this “issue” where we can’t seem to hang out without the night culminating with a high school style make-out session.  And really, who wouldn’t love that?  We’ve never dated, never slept together, hell I don’t think he’s ever even touched my boobs (and that’s an accomplishment since they are one of my most complimented assets!)  Our wandering hands and kisses  always seem to land in PG places…how we resist I don’t know…but I think this goes back to the respect we have for each other.  There is nothing more either of us want to do some of times we are together then rip each other’s clothes off.  But we don’t.  We are traditional and old school like that…with each other and not necessarily with others, for whatever reason.

Last week I was hit with some interesting BBMs from Sauce.  Basically telling me he still really wants me and he thinks we’ve always had chemistry and well, we’ve never both been completely single before…so we should see what happens.  Now let me just clear this up and say neither of us have EVER cheated…by completely single we mean that in the past when we were single it was always during those few months between break ups with our ex’s when we really didn’t know if it was really over of if we’d end up back together.  So yes we were technically single but still in some fucked up emotional limbo.  Whatever, details.  I must have read our conversation over about a dozen times to make sure I was getting it all in.  Was Sauce trying to tell me he wants to date me?  Was he just being his normal flirty self?  Am I completely reading into this because I haven’t had a really amazing date in a while and all I want to do is punch my ex in his stupid motherfucking face?  Maybe, maybe not…to all the above.

We had plans last night for me to go to his place and hang out in the hot tub.  Really, who would turn that down?  Wine, hot guy, hot tub…fucking duh.  It was awesome.  We talked and talked and talked.  And drank.  And I can see us moving closer and closer.  My life: the movie.  He was describing to me how there are 3 things which are 100% nonnegotiable for him when he’s looking for his person. 

1.       She must be established…in other words, have a good career or have goals set to obtain a good career…whether that means being in school, busting your ass at work, etc.  Basically he wants someone intelligent who isn’t a lazy sack of shit.  Fair enough.
2.       Sex appeal.  This is obvious and understandable.  He doesn’t care if the pope would call you sexy but if he can’t wait to get his hands on you that’s all he cares about.  He just wants someone he will adore and who will want to fuck his brains out for the rest of your lives.  He’s a very sexual person so sexual chemistry is important to him.
3.       Sauce is a very giving man.  Even if he didn’t have a penny to his name he would give you the shirt off his back if he knew it would make you happy.  He wants nothing more than to completely love, adore and spoil a girl and asks that she be someone who would be willing to give of herself as well.  He has dated some very selfish girls in the past and even something as simple as cooking him eggs would rock his world.

All in all I think these are three very reasonable, understandable and necessary things for almost any relationship.  I don’t think he’s asking for a lot or too much by trying to find someone who possesses those qualities.  He ran down this list for me last night, elaborated on it a lot and we bantered back and forth.  He then proceeded to tell me he already knows I have two out of the three and would venture to guess I’d be more than capable of spoiling him.  Deep breath…is he coming on to me???  Then he says “Mrs. Sauce”…yes, has a nice ring to it.  Whether it was the wine, the heat, the growing need to just grab his face and kiss him I just couldn’t seem to do anything but sit there and smile.  What am I a fucking doll??  PYT where is your voice???  That would have been a perfect time to ask what exactly he’s getting at.  To have what may eventually be a difficult, awkward conversation of whether or not friends should go to another level.  But the moment passed and we ended up in a serious, hot as shit lip lock.  Fair trade.  There is a chance he just likes the way all this sounds because perhaps he’s lonely or just wants to practice for the future and he doesn’t have intentions of trying to date me but at that moment it didn’t matter. 

Frankly, I did have a slight moment of panic.  While I was sitting there trying to make heads of tails of what all this pointed to there were a few things going through my head.  First and foremost…chill the fuck out. “ Live in the moment and just enjoy yourself.  You’re going to ruin the fun if you just sit there overanalyzing.”  So that helped a bit.  Once I was able to push the thoughts out of my head I was able to relax and enjoy things.  But then a slight panic came over me.  Holy shit…if and it’s a big IF…Sauce would want to date me I don’t know how I feel about it.  Would I want to date him??? Yeah, no idea.  The idea of being in a relationship set a slight and quick panic over me.  Which was insanely confusing.  Am I not the girl who just last week was freaking the fuck out because my ex is in a relationship and I’m not?  The girl who lies in bed wanting someone to snuggle with?  The girl would got so sick of awful first dates I swore I was going to go on a dating hiatus?  Is this girl not actually ready for a relationship?  Does this girl really want to be single and continue to have all the fun that goes with it??

The Juicy Details:  The fact is…I apparently have no idea what I want.  I’m pretty sure I didn’t muster up the balls to ask Sauce flat out what he was getting at because I’m not sure if I’m ready to hear the answer.  But I suppose the good thing is that I don’t need to be.  I don’t have to know what I want and I don’t have to figure it out.  Perhaps it’ll just figure itself out.  Wouldn’t that be great?  Call me delusional but I believe if I just let things go their course that is exactly what will happen.  Things will just fall into place.  Whether that means I continue on my dating rampage, I (gulp) date Sauce or we continue on with our awesome friendship/make-out goodness (and how can you go wrong with straddling a hot guy in a hot tub)…what will happen will happen and who gives a shit so long as I’m happy??  I’ll tell you this…I left last night very happy.  When we finally pulled our pruned selves out of the hot tub (after being in there for almost 3hrs) we dried off and I changed and realized I had to leave if I was going to get any sleep before I left for work in the morning.  Sauce walked me to my car, as per usual, and we stood there kissing for a while longer.  Before he walked away he asked about my schedule for the rest of the week so we can make plans.  I’ll tell you Sauce is a total flake when it comes to plans..but I am looking forward to us eventually hanging out again.  It’s always fun when I see him.