How Cheeky!!!

Well, yesterday was Valentine’s Day…I didn’t want to address it yesterday because frankly I didn’t give a shit and being single somehow it just wasn’t registering on my radar.  Of course I knew it was coming up but I actually almost scheduled a date with someone for Monday not even realizing it was Vday.  If Patches hadn’t said something when I hung up the phone with him I may have ended up on this date feeling completely foolish.  Needless to say the date did not and will not happen for reasons other than the fact that it was Valentine’s Day…let’s just say when we spoke on the phone I could barely make out anything after Hi.  He had the thickest accent, from I can’t remember where, and we were having an extremely difficult time understanding each other.  Plus he was boring.  So case closed.

But now allow me to entertain you with a tale from a date that did actually happen.  He is 30, used to be a Chef and is now in charge of all the food, catering, event planning etc for a major law firm (I believe).  We had hilarious, sweet and sometimes long conversations.  From the phone he seemed like a total catch.  I was so excited to meet him.  We made tentative plans for Thursday since I was extremely sick and had a ski weekend planned that I didn’t want to miss. 

Well Thursday came and while I was feeling better I actually ended up working from home that day because NY got pounded with snow again and I was not about to try and shovel my car out of the driveway and down the block again.  I was in limbo all day about whether or not I would postpone.  By the time I had to get ready the streets had all been plowed, I was all packed and said fuck it since I really wanted to meet him.  I was looking forward to it with one exception…he made dinner reservations.  Now it was restaurant week which I love love love…but this was a first date.  For those who have been around a while you know my feelings on this.  For those who haven’t let me explain…I hate doing dinner on first dates.  I feel a first date should be short-ish, sweet and nothing crazy.  And yes, dinner is crazy.  Some people don’t mind but personally I’d rather not ask ‘get to know you’ questions while trying to navigate my way around my entrée.   That coupled with the fact that I hate eating in front of people I don’t know is part of why I tend to veer away from dinner on first dates.

Anyway, I decided it was too cold, too snowy and I was far too lazy to take public transportation into the city…that coupled with the fact that word was the schedules were all fucked up anyway so I didn’t want to deal with that if I didn’t have to.  Driving it was.  On my way in I was excited to meet Chef and simultaneously stressed I’d never be able to find parking amongst the mounds of snow (I love the way my brain works).  Luckily I had no issues parking and found a perfectly plowed and legal spot (which I didn’t even have to pay for – this is HUGE) right across from the restaurant.  We had planned to meet earlier then our reservation because Chef was going to show me around Eataly.  I had never been but its all the rage right now and being able to get shown around by someone from the culinary world was amazing.  I was in a food paradise.  For my NY readers…if you have the opportunity definitely go check it out.  There are so many options to sit and eat as well as shop.  It almost reminded me of an Italian Wegmans.  I could have easily just continued the rest of the date there.  Instead we headed out to SD26 for our reservation.

As we were walking there I made a simple observation…Chef saw my outfit and commented on the boots I was wearing (ones with heels)…and yet as we are navigating the snow/slush/ice covered sidewalks and street corners he never once tries to make sure I don’t slip and crack my head.  There was fucking slush oceans at the corners when we had to cross and he just watched as I ballerina leaped over them.  Thank god for all the years of dance I took that I was able to successfully leap, gracefully, no less over the slushy abyss.  Yeah, don’t worry about me, ass.

We walk into the restaurant and I begin watching Chef closely…waiting for a particular moment.  Which moment you may ask?  The one in which he takes his hat off.  Why?  Well, in his profile he had a hat on in every single picture.  I didn’t think much of this at first and after revisiting his profile a couple of times (anyone who does online dating is probably familiar with this move…you just need to keep brushing up on what they say…or double check that they are still cute) it started to occur to me…oh shit I wonder if he’s bald.  Well, here we are checking in with the host and I can see his hand, nearly shaking, slowly heading to grab his hat.  And BAM!!!  There it was.  A perfectly shiny, top of his head.  Now, to be fair, he’s not completely bald…though it would be better if he were.  He’s got that situation going on (not sure if there is an actual name for it) where he’s bald on top and has the remaining ring of hair on the bottom…thank god he didn’t attempt a comb over.  But ladies take note…if a guy is wearing a hat in every single picture I’d say chances are he’s hiding something (or he just likes hats but that’s boring)! 

Now, please don’t think I’m an asshole for all of this.  I find nothing wrong with being bald and sympathize with men who are losing their hair, especially at such a young age…Chef is only 30 (and a lot of what he has left is going grey so double sucks for him there).  In fact my sister’s boyfriend is bald…by choice really…he bics his head because I think some of his hair was thinning so he just said screw it and went bald.  I think that all men should do that.  It tends to look a lot better than trying to hold on to and salvage whatever little suckers are trying to hold on.  Frankly, I find anything else distracting.

And that’s exactly what happened.  We’re sitting down at our table and having lovely conversation.  Truly good banter back and forth.  Yet I’m so insanely distracted by his head…think the mole scene in Austin Powers.  It was awful.  I opted to focus more on the food and the wine which, by the way you order on an IPAD!!!!  This was seriously fucking cool…the waiter comes and brings an ipad to your table and you can order your wine from it and magically someone then brings it to you.  Technology meets fine dining…amazing.

So, our meals come and I had made an agreement to try one of the things he ordered.  Never blindly agree to try something a former Chef orders!  Because what did I get to taste…oh yes, cheek.  Fucking CHEEK!!!!  Who eats shit like that?  Well, I’ll be honest…it wasn’t the worst tasting thing I’ve ever tried…frankly, I’d have another piece of that before I eat a mushroom…but it had a weird after taste…almost like blood or something. Barf.  But hey, I was adventurous and tried something new so go me! And thanks to the Chef for the encouragement.

As we leave the restaurant after a very lovely meal, damn your stupid hair Chef for tainting my attraction, he does the gentlemanly thing of walking me to my car (right across the street and a few feet down the block).  A part of me knew that he was probably hoping for a kiss and the other part knew he’d be left disappointed.  But all that thinking was quickly surpassed by what I saw when I walked up to my car…

It was SMASHED!!!!  Someone hit it and left the scene.  No notes, no sorry, no chocolates or flowers because they felt bad.  Just my bumper nearly falling off, the lights smashed and my trim in the middle of the street.  How could someone DO THIS?!?!?  My car is practically brand new, I just leased it in June and someone had just rear ended me a month ago so WHAT THE FUCK?!?  Its like karma was kicking my ass for something I did that I can’t remember.

So, I did my best to play it cool while the Chef was still there and immediately went to call my insurance company.  I told him he didn’t have to stay because I had no idea how long this would take.  The agent answered really quickly and as I tried to talk to her and hug Chef goodbye he still had the balls to try and go in for a kiss.  Really dude, REALLY??  Not exactly the right time.

The Juicy Details:  I felt so terrible for just dismissing Chef the way that I did.  I didn’t even properly thank him for dinner (which he paid for) and an all in all nice evening…which is so not like me.  Just the stressful situation got the best of me and I really wanted him to leave before I either flipped my shit or burst into tears.  I do not need someone I just met seeing me like that nor feeling like he needs to somehow “deal with” that.  So I sent him a text the next day apologizing and saying I had a lovely time, thank you  blah blah.  He wished me a happy ski weekend and asked me to keep him updated about what I was doing.  Umm, no.  we just met I will not be checking in or updating you.  Sorry.  He did try to call me the following week but despite the hair situation, which I’m sorry again, definitely dulls my attraction (to each his own yes?) please don’t think I’m an asshole…I just wasn’t feeling it.  He’s a really great guy…just not meant to be my guy.