I'm Not a Doctor....

I’ve been struggling trying to figure out exactly what to say about this next date.  Frankly, it left me uninspired perplexed and in a state of wondering…what the fuck just happened?  So, I will say in advance this is going to be short and sweet because truth be told I’d rather not even try and write about it but to be true to the blog I know I must. 

So, I started talking to this guy who is a doctor…but not really a doctor.  Yeah, scratch your head about that one.  It’s the whole dentist complex.  They don’t actually go to med school so therefore I guess they are not technically considered doctors.  This guy was specifically an Oral Surgeon.  Pretty cool….until he starts talking about taking out my teeth.  Don’t mix work/surgery and romance thank you.

Cool job aside, we had talked on the phone a few times and as is the norm these days texted a bunch.  I can honestly say he kept me laughing…albeit sometimes it was a bit of a nervous laugh like “dude I don’t know you well enough to know if your serious or not but I sure as shit hope your joking.”

        For example…he started going on and on about how our first date should be a trip.  Like we should pick a place and stay for the weekend and we’ll both drive there so in case it’s weird we have our own cars.  (IN CASE ITS WEIRD….?!? Like there is another option….) 

That for the most part was how our conversations would go, him making these off the wall statements and me left scratching my head wondering if he’s serious. 

Then there was the constant saying of my name.  To explain further allow me to tell you about one of my pet peeves.  I really can’t stand when someone inserts your name into every line of a conversation.  “How do you feel about that, Mary?”  “Oh wow Bob, I really like that too”  “So Joe, what did you think of that game?”  You get the picture.  When done properly and infrequently I think weaving someone’s name into a conversation is nice.  Done excessively it gets a little creepy for me.  As you can guess this is exactly what happened.  It drove me nuts.

So finally we agree to get together and I’m not completely excited about it…weird huh?  We are on the phone because I’m trying to tell him where he can park and the next thing I know he’s cursing and saying he’s getting pulled over and *click* he hangs up.  The idiot was driving and talking on the phone.  He didn’t get a ticket, lucky for him, but I don’t feel bad about the embarrassment he suffered because there is no excuse for doing something stupid.  And yes, I feel that driving and talking on the phone without Bluetooth is stupid.

Well we finally meet up and immediately have issues at the diner with where we can sit..we head to the bar it’s a no go…inside no one is paying attention and finally we head outside and get a table.  We order a couple of appetizers and wine (god bless wine) and continue chatting.  The entire time he’s staring at me down his nose with this look that makes me think he’s contemplating my demise.  I keep wondering how much longer I have to sit there and endure this.

Finally the check comes and I couldn’t be more relieved. Unfortunately the feeling was only temporary because he insisted to walk me to my car.  Please tell me he’s not looking for a kiss!!  It took what felt like a year and a day to say good-bye and he left without that kiss I could tell he wanted.  Oh well.

The Juicy Details:  Aside from the lack of kissing him there was definitely no physical chemistry there.  More than that there was a lot of things I don’t feel we were compatible with such as family…he barely ever sees his and it doesn’t seem to bother him.  Family is extremely important to me and I could never go as long as he has without seeing them.  Then there was religion and sense of humor.  I love to smile and laugh and once we met in person he just totally stopped being funny.  It was worth a shot.

Mike "The Bad Situation"

Even if you’ve never watched an episode of the Jersey Shore, like me, you have certainly heard the name Mike “The Situation”.  Well, allow me to introduce you to Mike “The Bad Situation”.  This idiot wins the award for the worst date I’ve been on in…well, probably my life thus far.  And to make it worse this is the guy I “rescheduled” my date with S.F. Clinger for.  Stupid is as stupid does.

First of all Mike is one of those guys who seem to think texting is an acceptable way to have a conversation.  For god sake stop sending me 15 texts in a 5min span only for the last one to be “Hello?!?!?” because I haven’t been able to read and respond as quickly as you’d like.  News flash, I have a life and I’m not waiting on baited breath for my phone to chime with a text from you.  If you want an immediate response or you have a lot to say pick up the damn phone and call me!  I don’t understand how some people seem to be lacking the common sense that in some cases a phone call is required.

Here are a couple of examples when a text is completely acceptable:

1)      Saying Good Morning/Good Night/Sweet Dreams/Have a great day…or something along those lines

2)      Double checking on a time, place, address, etc

3)      Saying you’re running late or asking “where are you”

4)      “Do you want to grab a drink?”…always 100% acceptable

And here are a few unacceptable times:

1)      To have a conversation/ fight

2)      To break-up

3)      “How are you?”

4)      To plan a first date/talk with someone you haven’t met

Now, Mike is like a little text slut.  He just wrote text after text and we’ll get into the pictures he sent later…yes, there were pictures.  Finally, he decides to call me and I immediately wished he stuck to texts.  Never satisfied.  Allow me to give you a taste of the conversation which found me cringing and cursing my hometown…imagine the thickest NY accent you possibly can…worse than Ms. Marissa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny…

Mike: So, uh, do you like the Jersey Shaw (shore)

Me: Well, I go once in a while, its not really my scene.

Mike: Oh so, uh, are you like a Jersey Shaw girl.

Me: No, not really…like I said, I’ll go down a few times during the summer but that’s about it.

Mike: Oh, well ya know, if we like hit it awf (off) I could uh take you down to Belmah (Belmar) and show you my shaw house (Yes, this guy is 33 and rents a house in Belmar with his friends...very mature)

Me: Oh ok.

Why I didn’t just cancel the date then is beyond me.  Perhaps it was that my frustration with the traffic I was sitting in was far greater than the aggravation this conversation was causing me but this showed poor judgment on my part.  If the sound of his voice was causing my ears to bleed over the phone then how the fuck was I supposed to sit and have drinks with him. 

Being born and raised in NY I have come to respect and tolerate everything.  You’re exposed to so much here I find I rarely (I said rarely because I am human and it happens) judge people because I’ve more or less seen it all at this point, nothing really shocks me.  There is one thing for as long as I can remember that I judge openly and cannot shake which may come as a surprise…the NY accent.  Whoever thought putting w’s where they don’t belong and replacing r’s with h’s must have been drunk, high or trying to play some really cruel joke because we now have an entire 5 boroughs of people who sound like uneducated idiots…job well done asshole.  

So, given how strongly I feel about the accent…and I will admit I have a slight one which will surface from time to time like disgusting word vomit…you can imagine how hard it was to sit through this date.

Finally I meet up with Mike at a local bar.  We sit down, order beers and before the bartender even sets them down Mike says “So, uh, I don’t have ADD or anythin' but I kinda get real bored if I stay in one place, I just cant really do it you know…I really like to move around…so maybe in like 40min or so we can go somewhere else.”  Michael, sweetie, first of all…you just defined ADD…not medically perhaps but socially…yeah, you’ve hit the nail on the head.  Second of all, its 9pm on a Thursday and we’re not in the city…where exactly do you propose we go in 40min???

The next thing I know he’s saying hello to buddies of his from his shore house.  I was mortified…this guy is 33 years old…what the fuck is he doing?!  Clearly age does nothing for a man’s maturity.  I buried my face in my beer hoping the idiocy would end quickly…but was quickly reminded that wasn’t going to happen until this date ended.

When he finally stops putting on his little show we get back to talking and he tells me about his job.  He’s a history teacher for high school students.  He just kept bitching and complaining about how awful his students were, how they are completely unmotivated and won’t go anywhere in life.  I wanted to say, well listen to how you speak, what kind of example they have to follow?!?

So, we finally finish our beers and Mike wants to leave.  He keeps trying to get me to go somewhere else but I mutter something about being tired and wanting to go home.  I had mentioned to him during our god awful conversation about the new car I just got (which I am completely in love with!) and he was begging me to let him see it.  Fine, no harm, no foul. 

We walk to my car and he gets in!!  I wanted to tell him to get the fuck out but decided to be cool and hope this didn’t last long.  Of course I was wrong.  He sat there trying to continue on the conversation.  He had grabbed my hand and before I was able to react he started kissing it!!!  Excuse me skeeze ball but your lips do not belong within a 10ft radius of me.  Now, I desperately needed purell and was contemplating how rude it would be to bath my hand in it with him still sitting there. 

Now he starts rambling on about massages or something and offers to show me his skills.  Meanwhile I’m thinking the most impressive skill I’d like to see him display would be how quickly he can get out of my car.  But still, against my better judgment I figure fuck it, let him rub my shoulders for a few minutes because 1. Getting through this date has sufficiently stressed me out and I wouldn’t mind a neck rub and 2. At this point I’m desperate for an excuse not to look at him.

WHAT A MISTAKE!!!  All of a sudden I feel this wetness on my shoulders and my skin begins to crawl.  This fucking creep was actually kissing my shoulders!!!!!  Are you KIDDING ME?!?  Well, enough was enough and I quickly kicked him out of my car.  Buh-bye, god speed, lose my number, thanks.

The Juicy Details:  Clearly getting kicked out of my car wasn’t enough for this guy.  He called me Friday night at 10pm…don’t you have a life??...then texted me on Saturday and a few other times during that week.  Somewhere in the span of this he also sent me a picture message or two of him in his boxer briefs…nothing else...you can imagine the horror!!!  First, someone should introduce this guy to a razor or an esthetician fast.  Any girl he dates should carry around a lint roller because I'm positive he must shed.  Second, EW!  Finally, I sent a well worded text to hopefully end this once and for all.  People always talk about all the creeps on the internet…Congratulations Mike, your one of them.

The Tale of S.F. Clinger

Some things are just not meant to be and my date S.F. Clinger (stage five clinger) happened to be one of those things.  He contacted me through this IM feature on the dating site which I never even knew existed before that…this is a prime example of how  effectively I use the site (note the sarcasm).  An email would have done just fine buddy…I guess some people prefer instant gratification.  Since he was so impatient I was forced to quickly scramble to check out his profile and make sure I haven’t started a conversation with Shrek or Norman Bates.  All seems good to go with the exception of one thing…religion.

Religion is a touchy subject with most people.  My EX, Mr. In as we’ll call him (short for Mr. Indecisive…)…Carrie had Mr. Big, I got Mr. In, however did I get so lucky…we were from different religions and while it wasn’t a struggle in the present I sure as shit knew that down the line it was going to create an issue which could have been the end of us...but being a seasoned pro at ending our relationship Mr. I took care of that all on his own.  I almost forgot to thank him for being predictable, where are my manners?  Anyway, I don’t see any problems with interfaith dating when two people truly love each other and are willing to speak openly, honestly and make compromises.  If both people are passionate about their religions then both people need to be passionate about sharing and learning as much as they can about each other’s backgrounds for the relationship to work…in my opinion.  In some cases you have one person who is indifferent and one who is religious so that religion is typically adopted in the home.  When both people have a strong affiliation to their religion then discussions need to happen and work needs to be put into it.  It can be a very exhausting and emotional process, especially if you’re doing it alone.  There is so very much I can say on this but I’m not going to get into my experience now because this post is dedicated to S.F. Clinger, we’ll leave the rest for another day.

Due to my experience however, I am weary about starting another interfaith relationship.  I’m not completely closed off to it and I’d never turn someone down because of their background but the honest truth is…and you have no idea how much it sucks to write this…my parents were right.  There I said it…now no one ever repeat that to them!  They need not know how smart they can be.  They would tell me time and again “A marriage is hard enough; you shouldn’t add more problems to it.”  Meaning an interfaith relationship will put a lot of strain on a marriage and they were worried for me.  So, the fact is I’m pretty exhausted from my last relationship and I’m not sure I have built up the strength to go through the struggles of an interfaith relationship again.  Even so, I chat with Clinger anyway. 

We brought the conversation to regular IM (who knew people still actually used AIM…talk about blast from the past!)  and really I was quite impressed…at first.  He was sweet, flirty, and attentive and it was more of the same on the phone.  He was willing to drive out to see me which is always a plus.  Now the day comes when we are supposed to go out.  It’s a Thursday and being we’re “buddies” he seems to try and chat constantly.  So we talk a little in the morning and he tells me he is going to a doctor’s appointment or something and will be back later.  Not really a big deal because 1. I’m at work and have a ton of shit to do and 2. Being that I’ve never even seen his face I’m not exactly feeling like I need a play by play of his day.

Cue Clingers return from the doctor and the IM that killed it all for me….”Hey I’m back….how much did you miss me?”  Now, before you start to think I’m being harsh and try to say “maybe he was kidding” I gave him the chance to show he was…and it didn’t happen.  He completely dropped the ball.  I realized through the conversation that he was completely serious.  DUDE!!!   Really?  I absolutely did not miss you.  In fact, I wouldn’t have cared if I didn’t speak to you until we were meeting up later.  Frankly, you have now successfully scared me and freaked me out.  Had he laughed when I did or dropped the…”did you miss me”, “oh when we are together we’ll do this”, or “as we hang out you’ll learn about that” talk…maybe things would be different.  But in the matter of a few IMs this guy wrote us into a relationship.  I’m sorry buddy but you’ve got the wrong girl…I have a mind of my own and right now it’s telling me to cancel this date fast before you tattoo my name on your ass or get us his and her coffee mugs. 

The Juicy Details:  I quickly sought therapy for the emotional scaring Clinger caused…But in reality I did cancel the date and ended up scheduling another one that afternoon in its place.  When opportunity knocks…

Napoleon The Greek

For those of you who don't already know or in case I haven't mentioned it yet, somewhere out there in cyberspace there is a profile about me eagerly waiting to see if I catch someone’s eye.  Online dating is definitely an interesting concept, one which I'm a total advocate of.  I know to some it still seems completely taboo because they are afraid people will judge them, it seems weird or some other bizarre reason I don’t have the energy to entertain.  But let me ask you, how is meeting someone online any more embarrassing or less socially acceptable then either meeting a dozen people in 30 seconds or thinking you’ve found the love of your life after you’ve downed 5 beers, 6 shots and a few jager bombs?   I am constantly encouraging friends to try it out because it’s actually pretty fun.  In a time when people have become increasingly busy and are at an age where you no longer have an entire campus of co-eds at your fingertips it becomes much more difficult to meet people.  I find that being online opens up a new opportunity to meet people you may never have otherwise.  I always say worst case you have a bunch of cocktails, a few dinners and conversation without meeting anyone who is “boyfriend material”…best case you meet your very own Casanova.  Now that being said I can move on to telling you all about Napoleon The Greek.

Leon as we'll call him for short is one of my online finds; truth is most guys I'm dating I've met online.  I came across his profile one day while I was "taking a break" at work and looking for my potential boyfriend...who does that??  Anyway, he seemed promising from his profile.  He had this big smile and looked like he really took care of himself…personal hygiene always a plus.  He wrote all about his family, how much he enjoyed going out to new restaurants and how he wants to run a half marathon (aka he’s not a chubster sitting on the couch drinking beer and playing video games).  All fairly basic but enough for me to send him an email and strike up a conversation.  A few emails, txts and a phone call or two later and we have dinner plans.

When he told me the restaurant he picked out I was quite impressed.  Ok actually my first reaction was, what is he nuts?  The place was one I had wanted to go to for a while so for that it was awesome, however, for a first date…it was a bit much.  The first issue was that I really don’t like eating in front of people I don’t know.  I understand it’s a bizarre kind of phobia to have and its one I try to suppress constantly.  The second is that this place is intimate, romantic and fairly upscale.  Now, I will never turn down someone who wants to wine and dine me but I just feel like it’s a lot of pressure for a first date.  Maybe it’s just me but the more I date the more I feel that the best course of action is plan for drinks and go from there.  If it all works out, we are in NYC it’s never too late to find a great place to eat. 

So the day arrives and I knew in advance I’d be arriving to the West Village before he would because I get out of work a lot earlier.  Not a big deal because I was able to walk around, shop and take a quick trip to Magnolia (where I got chatted up by a cutie who asked for my number & a cupcake date…) when it rains it pours.  And pour it actually did.  Down came the damn rain and all I kept thinking was fucking great now I’m going to feel tired, my hair will frizz and my mascara will run and there is no one here to warn me to wipe the black from my face. 

Well Leon finally arrives, late but its NYC so shit happens I’m not going to judge, and I almost died.  I started cursing myself for neglecting to retain what I read in these profiles better.  When I was planning my outfit for the night I should have remembered that Leon’s profile stated he was only 5’6’.  (Personally my preference is taller, broader shouldered type men but I’m dating so I want to expand my horizons and give everything a shot.)  I had on boots that have only about a 2 or 3” heel but it was enough to allow me to see clear over Leon’s head.  Shit.  I immediately felt myself starting to slouch and could just hear my mother’s voice screaming at me to “stand up straight”.

Inside we’re given this cute little table and from start to finish the conversation flowed.  We talked about everything and had a lot of laughs.  We were so caught up we sent the waitress away about a half dozen times before she could take our order…I swore she was going to spit in our food.  As the dinner went on there were two things that were starting to annoy me the way a little gnat you just can’t squish will.  First he kept cracking jokes about how he’s going to tell all his friends he may have went out on a date with his cousin.  Why would he do something so stupid?  Well, during one of our phone chats we found out our grandfathers are both from an extremely tiny island in Greece.  There is actually a really good chance they were friends, but related?  Give me a break.  Second, and the reason we now call him Napoleon, is that he clearly had an issue with his height.  He kept bringing up how he knows he put down that he’s 5’6” but he’s really probably more like 5’5” and he feels we’d work because I’m short too.  Well Leon I really wouldn’t have gave two shits about the inch or the fact that you’re about a half foot shorter than most guys I tend to go for but you had to go and make it the pink elephant in the room.  It’s like that scene in Austin Powers with the mole and how it just consumed his attention…well the more Leon spoke the smaller and smaller he seemed.  Listen, you are who you are so embrace it and rock the shit out of it and people will never notice. 

We split desert, not the check and said our goodbyes by my car.

The Juicy Details: There were none.  He walked me to my car, we chatted briefly, he leaned in..I introduced him to my cheek and we said we’d talk soon.  In other words, this was fun and best of luck.

Paging Dr. McDreary.....

As a huge fan of Grey's Anatomy I'd be lying if I tried to say I never fantasized about having my very own McDreamy or McSteamy one day.  After this date I've taken about 10 steps back from that ever coming true.  Allow me to introduce Dr. McDreary...through the written word he's fantastic.  He's chatty, funny, quick witted...then he called me.  The conversation wasn't terrible but it certainly was a little awkward.  I figured I wouldn't take this as a sign we may not mesh and chalked it up to the fact that I was distracted by all the things I wanted to buy in Crate & Barrel and he seemed stressed and tired from studying all day for an exam.  No big deal, when we meet it will be so much better...I hoped.


So, before I get into the actual date let me digress for a sec and give you a little information about me.  The truth is I have this little personal "rule" I apply when it comes to scheduling first dates...my Friday and Saturday nights are (for the most part) off limits.  This is not to say I will NEVER schedule a date these nights, however, given the option I will sooner suggest to hang out any day of the week except that...oh and maybe not Monday because that is just an ugly day for everyone.  Why do I avoid Friday and Saturday night?  Well its easy...while I'm flattered that a guy would be willing to give up one of these nights to take me out unfortunately the feeling isn't mutual.  These are two nights of the week I can truly relax, have fun, do whatever I want with whoever I want and really enjoy myself.  I can't even count how many times I've started looking forward to Friday night by 8am Monday morning.  The ugly truth is that I don't always enjoy myself on dates.  So why should I give up two of the best nights of the week to someone who may ultimately bore me to tears, gross me out or have me questioning what planet their visiting from?  Also, I'm a big planner and anyone who knows me can tell you that, so its hard to find a weekend night I'm free unless your asking me in advance and no, Tuesday is not really in advance for that coming Friday.  Being that I'm a realist I know some dates will be amazing and sometimes schedules only allow you to go out on a weekend if you ever want to see a person this decade so I of course make some exceptions.


My date with Dr. McDreary was one of them.  Now, I did take a few precautions for the evening and not entirely on purpose.  A few of my friends from college were going out to a beer garden and I really wanted to join them but had already agreed to my date.  I'm not one to bail on a commitment because something better came along so I did the next best thing and meshed plans!  Dr. M told me I could pick any place I wanted so I got "creative" and suggested the beer garden.  My plan was that he and I could have some time to ourselves to talk and then we can join my friends later.  I gave my friends a heads up about my plan and prepped them to potentially be buffers in case the date was a dud.


Well let me tell you, its true what they say, first impressions are everything.  I shouldn't have been so surprised that we weren't clicking after that disaster of a phone call but still I'm always one to give second, third, hell even mind-numbing 4th chances so I figured Dr. M deserved one.  I gave it everything I had...I asked questions about work, family, school and friends, I talked about topics he told me he was interested in, talked about the beer, the weather...I was desperately grasping at straws to find some spark in this guy.  Some sign that he was passionate about something.  I started frantically looking around to see if someone could save me.  Finally I decided the only option left was to join my friends.


God-bless them because it certainly helped to have other people to keep the conversation flowing.  Now, don't get me wrong.  Dr. McDreary is a very sweet guy, however, we are just on different levels.  I'm way to outgoing, quick talking and vibrant for him.  He's much more low-key which isn't a bad thing but not right for me.  I truly thought he noticed this so imagine my surprise when he's saying good-bye, without even pulling me aside and out of sight from my friends mind you, and he tries to plant a kiss!  Whoa baby I did everything I could not to giggle from my shock.  Then the death grip on my hand which followed as he walked to the door was just a bit much for me to handle.


All in all...it wasn't the worst date I ever went on.  I promised my friends that if he called, which after my complete lack of affection on his departure I fully didn't expect he would, that I would consider giving it another shot.  I think the moral of the story is...definitely listen to your gut (I should have known after that first call we probably wouldn't click) and be true to yourself.  I could have easily forced myself to like Dr. M for all the wonderful points about him but I know who I am and what works for me and this just wasn't the right fit.  I think if more people would become more aware of themselves and be able to recognize what they need there would be a lot less girls staring desperately at the bottom of an ice cream container bitching about "why didn't he call? he said he would!" "why doesn't he like me?" "but we had such a great conversation!"  Don't you think?

The Facts

I'm freshly back into full-blown flirt when it feels right, make-out when you want to, dance with a stranger mode...otherwise known as single.  What I can promise you will find here are some entertaining tales of the guys I meet, the dates I'm going on and just random thoughts that pop into my head from daily conversations.  I have been saying constantly that some of these stories are too good to keep to myself or my small audience I tend to spill the beans to, so I'm going to start sharing!

Not every date is good...some leave me wanting to swear off men and become a nun.  Not every guy calls...some call/txt/email to the point where I wonder what their mental malfunction is that they completely fail to get the point that I'm not interested.  Not every guy lives up to your expectations...but some completely surprise you.  The truth is a lot of dates leave you wondering, what the fuck am I doing?  I'd be having so much more fun reaching the bottom of a bottle of Cavit with my friends (at least I dont have to put on make up and heels for them).  But then there are those dates that make all the others worth it...that completely restore your faith that not all is lost for the male species.

I'm going to keep this real and give you the full play-by-play...which means I'll be completely open and brutally honest about the dates.  All I ask is not to judge me too harshly for what I say because its either the truth or my opinion and you really can't argue with either one.

So, I hope you enjoy reading and following along!!

Keep smiling :)