Are You DTF...

Every once in a while a weekend rolls around that catches you by surprise because it is just completely EPIC.  Its like a little added bonus, kind of like those little “extra” test tube shots they stick into a frozen drink at restaurants, when it all just happens and it was completely unplanned.  This was my weekend.

Friday night I decided I was going to meet up with A Bomb in Hoboken…not too shocking.  After a last minute screw you from my stomach which had me doubled over in pain for about a half hour for God knows what reason and thinking I wasn’t going to make it out, I was finally able to pull it the fuck together and make my way to Jersey.  Naturally the lack of traffic wasn’t a gift but a curse as every single path which would lead to the Holland Tunnel…aka the most direct and quick routes into Hoboken…were closed due to some shooting in the tunnel.  Lovely.

When I finally got there and parked, I was kind of tired and swore it would be an early night.  Kiss. Of. Death.  I ended up getting home around 4am…oops.  The night didn’t end without some um, interesting events taking place.  First, when we got to one of my favorite spots, Whiskey Bar, I run into friends of mine who I had no idea were going to be there.  This became a way bigger deal then it needed to be but you know how it is with alcohol and excitement…overreaction!!! 

As we made our way to the back to watch the band we’re ordering drinks and a new friend K tells me the uber hot bartender is single.  So we make our way over to generate an intro for me.  Turns out, he remembers meeting me before…weird.  I know we’ve chatted in the past but he’s a bartender and that was forever and a day ago, can’t believe he remembered me.  Guess I made an impression.

We chatted a little throughout the night but he was working and I was having too much fun on the dance floor to try and stick by the bar all night just to chat with him.  He gave me a huge hug and kiss on the cheek when I told him I was leaving and asked that I please come back soon.  Yawn.  Ask for my number and to see me outside the bar.  Thanks.

When we walked towards the front A Bomb was doing what she does best and was ordering jager bombs for us.  I swear, you cannot be around her without having at least one jager bomb.  Its almost never one though.  Next thing I know some cute guy starts talking to me, buys me a shot of patron and is doing a great job flirting.  He’s inviting my friends and I to come hang out with him and his buddy who was off dancing all by himself.  Well as a joke I went over to dance with him and let me tell you, it was no joke, this kid could move!  When I got a minute to breath I walked back over to the original boy and made mention that his friend seemed to be trying to move in.  he was too sweet to really say anything.

Moving on to all of us getting kicked out so the bar could close…we are outside and this tiny dancer was chatting it up with me.  Then I started to realize he was a bit of a dick. 

Boy: “I’ve got to be honest, you are so fucking hot and sexy…I really want to have sex with you.”

Me: “I see we’re doing straight to the point…smooth.”

Boy: “well c’mon on you DTF or not?”

Me: thrusting my hand on his chest “what the fuck did you just say? Are you making $100,000 for this episode, where are the cameras?  I didn’t realize I was getting filmed for the Jersey Shore!”

Boy: “No, its not like that.  c’mon babe I just really want to have sex with you, are you DTF or not?”

Me: “Actually its exactly like that babe…and do people actually talk like that in real life??  What are you trying to be The Situation?  Because your failing, miserably…babe”

This went on for a few more minutes before the ridiculousness wore off and I started walking to my car.  But to my surprise he pressed on.  You would think even the biggest player would have his ego so bruised and have already set his sights on another girl who may be DTF…but no, he wanted me.  Fuck.

So I get to my car and he’s trying to convince me to make out with him.  Again, wasn’t working.  In between his, at this point desperate, attempts to get me to go home with him he started asking me if we could just hook up in the back seat of my car.  Are you out of your goddamn mind you little slimy turd???  I would not let you in my car if you paid me!  Let alone touch me. 

To try and get rid of him I told him he should call me tomorrow since I’d be in Hoboken and we can meet up then.  

Boy: “Listen I’m not going to be your boyfriend” 

Me: “You’re kidding right?  Despite your obvious fear of commitment the fact that you think I’d want you to be my boyfriend is comical.  If I wanted to date some wanna be Jersey Shore Guido I could have stayed home tonight”  

Boy: “No its not like that.  just girls seem to think that I’m going to be their boyfriend because we sleep together and I’m not like that”

Me: “Well last I checked we didn’t sleep together and I’m not like that.  Listen I don’t know what girls fucked you up so badly but you seriously need to get over yourself.  And I seriously need to get home”

And suddenly there was a change.  He suddenly got quiet, less defensive and looked at me with the saddest eyes.  Clearly I struck a nerve and hit the nail right on the head.

Boy: “youre right, I’m sorry.  Whats your number, I’ll send you mine.  I’m not going to text you though asking where you are and hunting you down. I don’t text girls, you can text me”

Me:  trying to control my laughter “well if that wasn’t the most backhanded attempt at being a man.  Seriously, I’m going home.  Good night.”

And that was that.  What a fucking head case. 

Tomorrow you get to hear about a festival, a near miss & a Marine.  Stay Tuned!!