Thursday, September 23, 2010

Get Out of My Head...

Its taken me some time to sit and finally write this post.  I’ve had quite a bit going on and each day I attempted to sit and write something else happened, was happening, was going to happen that I wanted to include.  So now this post may end up being a complete fucking disaster from my natural born ability to procrastinate the shit out of everything I do...we'll see what happens.

I suppose the best place to start is the fact that for the past week and a half I have been in a bitch ass mood.  I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve talked my poor friends heads off because I couldn’t get a grip.  No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get out of my own head and I found myself drowning in my own thoughts.  What would cause this complete implosion of my emotional stability…???  Simple, the confirmation that Shithead (my ex) is facebook officially in a relationship.  Yeah, fucking sucks.  Big time.  I’ve had a whole slew of the “I should be the one to move on first”…”He doesn’t deserve to be happy”…”What’s so great about her that he couldn’t find in me” thoughts and pretty much destroyed my ability to think rationally.  Ultimately it got me nowhere. 

No matter how many phone calls I make, how desperately I was tempted to stalk his profile/her profile/his friends profiles, how many times my entire body has tensed up while I’ve imagined punching the ever-living-shit out of his face, or how many sad songs I listened to just to force myself to cry it out…the fact still remains he is with someone else.  Now just because he is in a relationship doesn’t mean he is actually happy or that it will last but details aside it still all boils down to the same thing.

The thing is, even though I felt like a part of me died, the fact still remains that he doesn’t belong with me.  I could probably write a book based on all the reasons we don’t belong together from something as simple as in the 5 years we were together he never once got me my favorite flower…you could ask him what it was and without hesitation he would say “Sunflower” but yet the fucker never once bought me a goddamn sunflower.  Sure he gave me flowers on numerous occasions so was it so difficult to pick the ones that would make my heart melt?  It wasn’t, he just didn’t want to.  Then there were things more serious such as him never going on vacation (travel is important to me and in 5 years the biggest trip we took was to Boston and we live in NY…wtf), his temper, his lower sex drive (I could not spend the rest of my life with someone I had to constantly beg to be kissed or touched or whatever), constantly being stressed and on edge that he would break up with me again…and the list goes on. 

So, yes we are better off apart but that doesn’t make it all hurt any less.  I gave everything I had and then some to the relationship.  I was willing to compromise so much of myself for him and to be with him.  I clearly loved him more then he loved me, if he really loved me at all.  And I walk away without him but with a lot of lessons, a stronger hard and a tougher backbone.  Maybe one day I will actually post our story…that is sure to be a good read.

* Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go so I can be free*

That song, my god, that song!!  I can’t believe I hadn’t thought about it until now but its words are so true.  While I’ve spent the last few days trying to figure out how to get him out of my head, my heart and my vocabulary I found myself starting to feel the weight being lifted off of me.  I know these things are not nearly as easy as flipping a switch but I actually feel a lot better now.  I can sleep better, breathe easier and not feel like I’m desperately grasping for something that’s out of my reach.  It’s fantastic!

Now I feel like I can officially call my new theme song “Ridin Solo” by Jason Derulo…here are a few clips which I think describe my new outlook perfectly…

*No one to answer to, 
no one that's gonna argue, no,
And since I got the hold off me, 
I'm living life now that I'm free, yeah*

*better days are gonna get better*

*I'm so sorry that it didn't work out I'm moving on,
I'm so sorry but it's over now, 
the pain is gone*

*Now I'm feeling how I should, 

never knew single could feel this good*

*Living my life ain’t got stress no more*

The Juicy Details:  Really there are no juicy details pertaining to this post.  Initially I thought I would include an update on the men who deserve or think they deserve to occupy my time but it turned into a bit of a venting session.  I confess that I allowed thoughts of my ex to occupy way too many of my thoughts, be the cause of way too many of my tears and be the trigger of stress and sleepless nights.  As part of this blog I made a promise to be open and honest and not hold anything back so while I feel embarrassed for allowing myself to be so caught up with someone who has told me in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t want me I know it needed to be said.  But I can see the beauty and excitement in my current situation…I can go where I want, with who I want, when I want…no more stress…no more desperately loving someone…and most of all the fact that I am now available to find my person and I can’t wait to meet him!!


  1. So many emotions ran through me as I was reading this, sadness and then a peacefulness knowing that you're feeling better. I am hoping you love again someday.

  2. "As part of this blog I made a promise to be open and honest and not hold anything back so while I feel embarrassed for allowing myself to be so caught up with someone who has told me in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t want me I know it needed to be said."

    This is why I love your blog. You're real. You're honest. You're relatable. You WILL find love again someday, I'm sure of it! <333

  3. You blog is always honest. I had the same issues when my ex moved on. If it's any consulation, I think it's more the "routine" of your ex than actually missing the jerk. Hang in there. When I totally gave up looking my current bf found me. So far so good too. :)

  4. here's hoping you find what you are looking for!

  5. Its so amazing to read these comments after posting something so real and personal...

    L.Eleana - you are always so sweet...I hope I do as well...I think now that I'm in such a better place I'm much more open to the possibility of love

    Erin - Your comment brought tears to my eyes. I can't say how much what you said means to me. Matters of the heart are a scary thing sometimes and I know people sometimes prefer to mask it rather then face it...I try to be as real, as raw and as honest as possible...I'm soo glad you love it!! <3

    Tracy - Thank you!!! Its sometimes hard to be so honest and really put it all out there but its the only way to go. I think you are totally right though...they always say love seems to find you when your not looking.

    Urban - I hope so too...or at the very least he finds me!! ;-) haha

  6. Thank you for being so honest. It takes a lot of courage to be able to do so. Many people put on a smile as a mask and walk around saying I'm fine. Allowing yourself to FEEL these emotions and not shun them away is awesome. It will make the healing process so much better.
    Thank you for this.

  7. I'm going through all these emotions right now. My now ex-fiance and I just broke off our engagement, and I'm sometimes drowning in my own thoughts. He may not be moving on with someone else right now, but there's already the dreading of when that happens. I know it's impossible for us to be together, but it doesn't stop me believing that deep down we belong together. It really does hurt when you give up so much of yourself and who you are for someone, and then you're left with nothing. You have no idea who you are or what you're going to do with your life. I'm glad that you're doing a lot better and are optimistic about the future and finding your special person. :)

    Stopping by from Follow Friday. :)

  8. You can go where you want, hwen you want.. etc -- but that doesn't erase all the emotions. Each time, though, each of the little in your face things like the FB change affects a little less. The little stings wind down. Hope you have a great weekend. Judging from the more recent post above I read first- it seems there are many options. Not just w/guys to date- but also a good group of friends surrounding you!

  9. Megan - you are very welcome. I debated for a while whether or not I was able to write something like this..but once I started the words just poured out. Seeing things for what they are and acknowledging how I truly feel is terrifying but its been the best thing I've done so far.

    Lis - I'm so sorry to hear about your engagement. There is nothing I or anyone could say that can change how your feeling...but I recommend you let yourself run through every emotion that goes through your head and your heart. I've found that trying to forget it, suppress it or mask it with a smile won't help...the sooner you let yourself be real, the faster the healing can start. Keep smiling!!

    Jersey - You are 100% right, it definitely doesn't erase the emotions. Those are all still very real but as you said they are less and less and all the haunting thoughts are going away. Having my friends and the little conquests here and there have been phenomenal in helping me deal!!