Thursday, December 9, 2010

Just a Little Frosting...

Earlier this week, while bored at work (I must be honest), I decided to hop online and peruse the internet for a potential suitor.  For a variety of reasons I haven’t really done this much recently.  Partly because my life has felt like such a fucking train wreck I can barely think straight.  Partly because I’ve been meeting so many hotties while I’m out (this isn’t an issue just an excuse).  Partly because some of the guys that had been popping up online leave me wondering if there was a sudden severe drought in the gene pool because it was a total snooze fest and had me googling whether you can legally marry your vibrator.

Thankfully the other day was a bit refreshing.  After logging in for the first time in, oooh I dunno, maybe a month or so…I’m telling you Ireland totally fucked up my chi…in a good way…but damn a month!...anyway, I logged in and found there is actually a very nice selection of meat men  waiting for me.  Before trying to contact any of them I decided it was a good time to review my own profile and see if it needed some TLC. 

Oh and folks let me tell you, it certainly did.  I switched up a couple of the pictures and did a total revamp of my About Me section.  And here is where the meats and potatoes of this post comes in…for those of you ballsy enough to be on a dating website perhaps this may come in handy for you.  When you really start to take a look at other peoples profiles you will realize it’s the same fucking thing over and over and over again...and I was guilty of this as well until this week.  It’s  like we’re all sitting around with a thesaurus in our lap furiously looking up every adjective we can find that may describe our personalities and we just throw them up there separated by a million fucking commas and think this will impress someone.  Then we start rambling about how much our family and friends mean to us and how much we love spending time with them.  Well, unless your some sort of psychotic serial killer or a complete loner (in which case you probably wouldn’t be on a dating site) the chances are you do love your family and/or friends and will enjoy spending time with them.  Almost everyone likes movies, trying new restaurants and can dress up as well as dress down.  It seems every fucking person in NYC thinks they are spontaneous and would love to travel more.  And of course we all want to meet someone who DOESN’T play games…which is actually funny since almost everyone says this yet, you still meet people online who play them…fucking liars.

So, I’ve just called out about 97% of dating profiles.  If you fit into this why would someone feel completely compelled to write (something personalized) to you.  Well surely you’ve got your pictures and obviously there are people who are extremely talented with the written word so they can take all the clich√© stuff and make it sound interesting.  Bravo people, bravo!  While there are plenty of times I will be interested and want to contact  someone with the standard profile but it’s usually just with a wink.  It’s the ones with someone different, something funny or off beat to say that will really catch my attention and make me want to take the time to write an email.  You all know how refreshing it is to read something different, it’s almost like getting splashed in the face with cold water and you feel like you just woke up from the profile coma the other duds put you into.  If everyone is writing the same thing then shouldn’t all that shit just be obvious?  Why not take your profile as an opportunity to tell these people why you are special and different and why they would want to date you instead of the 500 other people with just as attractive pictures who also are fun, energetic and competitive.

After calling myself out on being a card carrying member of the “Your Profile is Going to Make Me go Fucking Catatonic” club I decided to jazz things up a bit…by the way for some reason this totally made me think about the scene from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days when Kate Hudson tells Matthew McConaughey that the dog collar with diamonds is “just a little frosting”…a little sparkle can go a long way to get you noticed!!

 I made a few bullet points of information about me that’s different and fun to “frost” my profile and see what would happen.  Here are a few examples:

*My love for rum makes me wonder if at some point I might have been a Pirate (I think I’d make a pretty awesome Pirate )

*There is a really good chance I will kick your butt in Mario Kart and Rock Band (am I just that good or do I play dirty??)

*Chocolate Milk…enough said

*Snuggling is my kryptonite...don't judge me!

Now this isn’t anything spectacular or mind blowing but it’s just a little different then the norm and let me tell you…my inbox was on FIRE!  Between emails, IMs and winks I’ve been getting a lot of attention.  Whether it’s from the new information or not it’s hard to say for sure…but being that it’s the biggest thing I’ve changed (the pictures are definitely not doing it especially since one of them is me completely covered in mud) I’m putting my money on me being right.  Oh and I suppose the fact that guys keep referencing how awesome my profile is and how cool I sound helps back me up as well.  Instead of getting the standard “Hey, how are you?” type messages guys are picking out things from my profile and commenting on them.  I’ll say that this is something I’ve always done with guys who have a more unique profile…it gives you the opportunity to write something interesting, which is nice for both the reader and the writer because really how much does a “Hey, how are you?” email suck!!!  How the fuck are you supposed to respond to that?  “Yeah I’m good.  And yourself?”  and end communication. 

I’m now challenging all of you to check out your profile if you have one or if your thinking of making one or if you have a friend who has one find out their password and commandeer it…read through it yourself, have a friend read it, read it to your dog and see if it rolls over and plays dead to make you stop…be objective and see if your profile could use a little life support…and who knows before you realize you may be booked up with dates until Christmas!!

The Juicy Details: Just from yesterday alone I now have 3 dates scheduled next week with a physicist, a Navy man and a guy who I’m not 100% sure what he does yet but he’s hilarious so what the hell…now it’s your turn!!!  *Frost Yourself!*


  1. It's so true, there are a ton of bad profiles out there! I've tried to make mine more interesting, but I still get quite a few boring messages. Really why do they bother sending "Hi, just saw your profile. You seem nice. How are you?" <-- possible the most boring message ever despite the fact that I've taken the time to clearly show how interesting I am!


  2. When I was on I thought my profile was pretty good and different enough, but still got the stupid emails. I made a point of calling out just how important sarcasm and banter are (in fun and witty ways)...helloooo?! I was very disappointed with this last round, but might put it up again in the spring when I'm on my break from work traveling. Maybe I'll have you revamp it :)

  3. You have inspired me! Thanks for the post, can't wait to hear about your dates next week!

  4. Good post - I know that you're right but it helps to be pushed to do the right thing! I may be returning to online dating soon after nearly seven years away. I've been thinking that my profile may not end up being very original, but you're right that it's better not to let myself be complacent and unoriginal. Thanks for the reminder!

  5. I used to only write to people who said something outlandish or wity in their profile. I couldn't stand all the boring, pitch yourself, profiles. It gets old after a while. That being said I will never return to the world of online dating after the hell I experienced so I'll have to live vicariously through you.

  6. You just inspired me to get back on Internet dating. Although the Match bastards are not able to switch my profile over from the UK to the US. So annoying. I have to call tomorrow and talk to a supervisor. Ugh. But hopefully I will be back in the dating scene soon. My profile is not very "standard" but it could totally use a bit of pimping out. Good advice


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